We might lose our baby…

In 8 days, we will know if our baby is here to stay and fight or if their little heart has stopped and it’s time to say goodbye.

I know! It’s a lot of information to take in over a sentence. It was definitely a lot to hear yesterday too given the past few weeks. I wanted to take this opportunity to share with everyone what the last couple of months has looked like for us.

Heading back to after Annabelle we started trying again when she was 3mths. Over 2years later we FINALLY conceived Claire and now she is a beautiful 18mths old that exhausts and fills us every day. So, we knew after Claire was born to try and reduce the age gap that happened last time we needed to start earlier. At 10weeks I took my first dose of fertility medication in an effort to get things moving. Over a year later we weren’t much closer to growing our family. Around that time though things started shifting and my body starting doing what it was meant to.

3mths later we had conceived. I found out at 3.5weeks and I was just so RELIEVED. Trying to conceive is such a hard battle. Multiple GP visits with 1-2kids, multiple blood tests with kids on my lap, multiple medications that come with side effects that aren’t great and month after month of bad results. We had done it. This time it only took 15mths and it felt like a dream to not tick over the 2year mark this time. We felt blessed.

As the weeks continued, I requested my bloods be drawn as although my numbers were within the ‘normal’ range they were definitely flirting with the lower limit. When I hit about 6 weeks any mild symptoms, I was feeling disappeared. With both girls, my pregnancies were fairly similar. The first trimester consisted of morning sickness and BAD headaches. Along with tiredness and crazy bloating. By 6weeks this time I hadn’t had one headache and only about an hour of morning sickness. This felt strange to me. Perhaps the baby was a different gender or perhaps something wasn’t right.

From the beginning I was anxious; I didn’t feel confident in this pregnancy. I repeatedly expressed that to Nathanael that I just didn’t feel right. So, when we turned up for our dating scan at 7weeks+1day pregnant I was EXPECTING things to not go right. This was on the 20th of November. I knew exactly what I should be seeing on the screen and it didn’t look like that. Tears started forming and I kept saying “I knew it” out loud. The baby was only measuring 5weeks+5days. Now normally this may be okay because people often get their dates wrong, they ovulate late, irregular periods but not for me. Infertility brings you a specific awareness to exactly where your cycle is at. So even if I allowed for a slight ‘grace’ in the blood test the smallest baby could have been was 6weeks+4days. The sonographer asked if we had been through this before and I said no. She left and told us to take our time before we too left.

Deep down I just knew this was going to happen. Nathanael hugged me. I knew he felt awful. All this time he had been trying to keep things positive and keep my fears at bay when in reality I was right. We went home and told our little 4.5yr old Annabelle the news. We had been totally open with her about this process. She had kept it a secret from EVERYONE for almost a month. Just that morning I felt I needed to tell her that not all babies have a heartbeat and not all babies make it to this world. So, when I told her she was sad. She asked if she would still get bunk beds with her sister as she was very much looking forward to sharing a room in the near future.

That night we went home and cried. While Nathanael and I felt connected together there was a sadness hanging over our home. We would be miscarrying this baby and would need to head back to trying to conceive again. At one point in the evening, I was cuddling with Annabelle while we watched a movie. She turned to me and said

A: I’m sorry your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat. I was going to be so excited to talk to you when you got back and make plans and be so proud of you, but it doesn’t, so we won’t.
M: Thank you, sweetheart
A: Please don’t cry kisses cheek and cuddles me
M: cries a little
A: It’s okay. Grabs the bottom of her shirt and wipes away my tears

At that moment I was so grateful for a sweet and compassionate child. She is so aware of people’s emotions and is so considerate in making sure people are okay. I will forever cherish that memory. I had enjoyed having a little family secret with her and we had spent the last week watching gender reveals or twin/triplet reveals and it was a special time to spend with just her.

We spent the weekend pretty low key and kept to ourselves. It was really challenging because although kids might be a little aware of what is happening their energetic souls don’t stop for this kind of trial. So, we tried to be sad while caring for larger than life children.

A week later I was to head back for a scan to confirm. Due to not meeting criteria the first time as we managed to slip in the crack of two kinds of miscarriage, I would need to go back in a week to confirm it. Off I went alone to get a scan as Nathanael was watching the girls and I was ready to confirm it so we could officially begin the process to move forward. This time there was no baby, all we saw was a sack. The thought was that the embryo had started to reabsorb into my body. The sonographer (a different one) thought she saw a flicker which could have been baby moving on the screen or a potential heartbeat but after trying to scan for a heartbeat there was nothing. There was no baby to measure and because of that I again didn’t meet criteria to medically confirm a miscarriage. She mentioned that things didn’t look good at this point. Being over 8 weeks and only seeing a sac is a very bad sign.

I got a blood test after and headed to my doctor. My levels had risen but had not been doubling for a couple of weeks. This is usually what happens. Your HcG stops rising, plateaus for a while and then starts to drop. So, any small hope that was there had gone. I was referred to the Early Pregnancy Clinic and would receive a final scan next week and a meeting with the head of the clinic to confirm a miscarriage and talk about what options I had to remove the baby. I spent the weekend telling some friends and family about our miscarriage and I was close multiple times to writing a blog sharing our sad news. I just couldn’t do it. I needed to have it confirmed first.

So, Tuesday morning 1st Dec, beginning of Christmas I get a call for an appointment later that morning. Annabelle was at kindy and Nathanael was ‘working from home’ very unsuccessfully with Claire (remember one of the larger than life children) and I was off. I was calm and okay. I already knew for almost 2 weeks how this was going to go and I was ready to confirm it and finally grieve.

Well, nothing but sac showed up on my tummy scan so an internal would be needed. The sonographer I had at the hospital was very experienced. I’ve had him before with the girls and he is very good at what he does. So, we start the internal scan and there on the screen in an abnormally growing, undersized baby with a little heartbeat. At first, I was almost angry. No, I said, I was coming in for a confirmation scan. What is happening? They checked the heartbeat and it is well under what their baseline limit was of beats per minute. I was told that after 11 days baby has only grown 4 and the heartbeat is far too weak. I would need to discuss with the leader of the clinic but while things didn’t look great as of right now my baby was alive and with a beating heart.

I walked upstairs to my appointment with the leader and wondered how I managed to continuously live my life in the cracks. How is this my life I wondered in almost a funny way? But everything had changed for me once I saw the heart beating. It’s almost like it didn’t even matter which way it went, right then in that moment I have a baby that was alive and with a beating heart inside of me.

I spoke with the clinic leader and she said it wasn’t looking good. Due to my blood tests, previous scans and their general knowledge of how babies grow and progress I was given a 20% chance of survival. I would need to return in a week and the baby would either have a normal heartbeat or the heartbeat would be gone and it would be a confirmed miscarriage.

I asked why would my baby be growing like this and she said it’s almost always due to chromosome abnormalities which is a big result of most miscarriages. Just every now and then a baby will have a certain combination of abnormalities that allow it to grow this way and grow a heartbeat but not be able to sustain it from there and then it passes. She also said that there are also situations where it’s not looking great and the next week everything turns out well.

So here I am, Day 1 of 9 days waiting at almost 9 weeks pregnant unsure of how things are going to turn out. I’ve been so sure that this baby wasn’t going to stay from the beginning but I also don’t want to give up on my babe. The connection I have with this little one now is immensely different than before my scan. I thought I was carrying around a baby that had passed away and I was waiting for my body to miscarry. Checking each time, I went to the toilet for blood in the hopes that my body would do its thing and pass it naturally. Now I’m checking and hoping there isn’t any blood because I would love this baby to stay.

I feel like the little soul trying to come to earth is working really hard with what it’s got to make this happen and it makes me not want to give up on it. I still feel like it’s not here to stay but I want to cheer in on every second it fights.

I mentioned in prayer yesterday to Heavenly Father that I would follow His will and go through whatever I needed to, but hoped He would remain close during this time. I also mentioned that if He had a spare miracle going around and wanted to throw it my way, I would be MORE than happy to accept it. I’ve learnt in my life that miracles don’t always happen. Sometimes it’s not the way that it’s meant to be so whatever happens over the next week I will hug my little baby bump a little tighter and send my love through a little stronger.

To my little growing baby, 

I want you to know that Mummy and Daddy are so proud of you. We can see how hard you are working and we love you so much for that.

You keep doing the best you can and whatever happens over the next week we will be with you. You do what you need to and we will be cheering you on, even if that means you need to leave us, that’s okay. We look forward to the day we get to meet you, whenever that may be. 

All our love from Mum, Dad and your sisters. 

It’s certainly been an emotional rollercoaster but it’s also been an incredible gift. For a lot of women, miscarriage is met with the unexpected bleeding or the silent/missed miscarriage of seeing a baby in the scan no longer with a heartbeat or never growing one. Having children can be an incredibly challenging process filled with devastation, grief and pain. I recognise that this situation is a little more unique in that it may still end up going through those above emotions but I’ve been given some time to enjoy and connect first before that potentially happens.
So, I am definitely grateful that even if next week this baby is no longer with us that I got to have time together knowing I was growing and supporting their little heart and life until the end.

1 in 5 women will have a miscarriage
1 in 4 pregnancies will sadly end.
You are not alone if this is you. The pain you feel is real and your grief is valid.

Reach out to those around you and offer help if you can. Taking a meal over or watching those larger than life kids can make the world of difference.

I’ll update you all next week, feel free to send your prayers, well wishes, positive vibes, chants whatever you believe in our way.

I’m off to set up my delayed Christmas decorations. The sadness has prevented me previously but it’s time to feel joy and bring the light of Christ into our lives this Christmas season.

Love from Sarah Kay,
And baby! xx