My Eating Disorder Reality

I’m writing this the day before I have my first appointment with the next professional in my journey to recovery from my eating disorder and I am scared. Scared that this won’t work like the rest of the things I’ve tried including therapy and I’ll never be able to conquer this. Back story on what this’ is….

From an early age, I’ve known that something has been missing with my relationship with food. Several memories spring to mind that raise red flags. Certain examples like being at a party and not engaging too much with what activities are going on and staying very close to the table of food to consume as much as possible before my mum or another adult cuts me off. Even if that means eating beyond the point of feeling full. Most of this food we don’t get at home so I would take allllllll the opportunities to eat as much as possible. 

Another example of my struggle with food was the constant pledge to be able to out-eat anyone or at least try, especially with boys. I learned early on that I was capable of consuming a large amount of food and so the novelty of getting attention and the whole “Woah” when I could consume mass sizes. Like the time that I ate a 1kg steak + veggies + bread + dessert or when I ate 3 quarter pounder meals with a team of men’s volleyball and came second fastest. I mean, sure, we all love to have a go at eating those plates of food no one says you can finish but this was beyond that. The attention that I would receive sparked a greater need to continue these trends even though they were detrimental.

Being from a family that has all been exposed to trauma over the years there has been a strong genetic and lifestyle push for emotional eating. This has been something that I’ve indulged in an innumerable amount of times from an early childhood age until about 5mins ago before writing this. Something that has been ingrained in me as a part of my nature and my survival.

(As a side note I hold no bitterness towards anyone who has encouraged this behaviour because when I look at the things they have survived and the type of people they have become I am actually incredibly blessed and the positives I have received far outweigh the negatives including this one)

As I have gotten older and grown to have a family of my own and am responsible for myself and my actions, I have been working through different ways to try and overcome this behaviour. Now it hasn’t always been as bad as it is now and up until recently, I haven’t fully been aware of the intensity of it but it is now at a point where serious action needs to happen.

When thinking of an eating disorder (and go back 6 months ago and even I wouldn’t have thought that I’d be writing it as one) often people think of anorexia, bulimia and possibly binge eating. Something I have come to realise is that disordered eating is a lot more than this. For myself, the strand I struggle with is emotional eating, compulsive eating and binge eating. Now in terms of severity, my disorder is only on a mild scale for which I am thankful but it is enough to be a hindrance in my life and obsession that is weighing me down literally and mentally.

Heading back to the reason I am scared is that I have already tried an incredible amount of ‘diets or healthy ‘lifestyle plans’, I’ve gotten myself qualified as a Personal Trainer and Nutrition Coach, I have researched and successfully lost 20kgs with ‘Macros’/’Calorie Counting’ post, my first child. I have seen a Food Therapist for 12months. I have tried intuitive eating, mindfulness, no food rules, having food rules. You name it and I have tried it.

The next step for me is to see a specialist in eating disorders who works in mental health therapy and behavioural change. My first appointment is tomorrow. I am scared. I am scared that I will meet with her….pay my $240, have organised a friend from church to babysit Annabelle as I lack babysitting options and take my 7mth old baby with me only to walk out and feel like she isn’t the right fit and she isn’t going to be able to help me recover. Scared that I feel like I am putting all my hopes and prayers for freedom on this one lady. Victoria.

I wonder if she knows that when she wakes up tomorrow morning that someone out there is desperate for her to be the right person. For her to be able to understand me and have the right answers for me and be able to bond with me as I strive to do the work.

Because of my poor relationship with food and because of my eating disorder I am overweight and the burden of that crushes me. I don’t like the feeling of being overweight. No there isn’t a particular number on the scale I need to hit or a certain dress size that I need to be but I feel uncomfortable and I always have. Because of it, I hate wearing clothes. Even being in my own house alone I still feel uncomfortable and compulsively manipulate and move my clothing to ease my discomfort. EVEN WHEN I AM COMPLETELY ALONE.

I’ve always hated it and I’ve always hated that it stems from my eating choices and my lack of control when it comes to it.

REAL TALK RIGHT HERE:

I remember a time when I was a mid-teen heading to my uncle’s house for Christmas with my mum’s family. A majority who are over a healthy weight range. I remember sitting in my room trying to find clothes that I felt nice in that would hide my extra weight. Having decided on a shirt from Jay Jay’s I was devastated. I remember going to the office and grabbing some packing tape, the wide range and wrapping it around my stomach over and over again in the hopes that it would help hold it all in. When I put on my shirt and discovered that it was noticeable and didn’t give me the desired result, I had to rip every layer of it off until it left my skin raw.

This was to be around family that I felt mostly comfortable with and that had always loved me. A family who used to have food fights with the leftover Christmas food and who that year, even after a decision not to do food fights started one anyway and being underprepared resorted to asking the ‘non-participants’ (bah humbugs) in the house to give us anything to throw. Which might I add ended up with my Aunty opening cans of Baked Beans to throw. I mean….image in the family clearly wasn’t a priority and yet I remember feeling ashamed to be me.

My goodness, to wrap my arms around that little girl and tell her that although I understand exactly how she feels and that to her it’s a big deal that her worth has nothing to do with her size and that we need to find joy in those moments even if we aren’t where we want to be.

It’s over a decade later and I have a family event to attend this weekend. I have known for a while this event was coming. I had all these plans to be healed, healthy and happy for this weekend wearing a special dress that I’ve had sitting for almost a year in my cupboard. Yet, here I am. Having just failed again to maintain my weight loss before Christmas. Dreading seeing people I haven’t seen for years and knowing that I will need to be in photos that will be treasured forever.

My thoughts constantly driving me to feel physically ill because NOTHING I do before this weekend will change the way I look and the eating disorder that controlled me to this weight. But what I can choose is to have a good day.

Constantly choose to accept and appreciate that I am working on it. That even though I’m not where I want to be and at this very point before my appointment, I don’t even know if I ever will be, I can choose to have a good day. I can choose to focus my thoughts on the people whose special day it is and to remember that I am making progress and that even though I have to wear my challenge (Eating Disorder/Overweight) for the world to see, I can remember that my worth does not change.

Others may judge, heck even my negative side may judge me but I am still a beautiful person who’s worth is infinite and I will choose over and over again on Sunday to believe that.

So yes, I’m scared for tomorrow, I’m scared for Sunday but I’m choosing to control what I can at this time and I’m choosing to be BRAVE.

Love, Sarah Kay xx

P.s. I’ll let you know how my appointment went and keep you updated with my progress. Any questions please pop them below me to answer. 

Let’s get chatting!

P.p.s. All photos in this blog post are from moments last year I was never going to share due to disappointment in my appearance. Some were within the first few weeks after giving birth.