I’m going to be honest here guys. This post is going to lay it all out there for you. I want to show you what PART of my life is like with an eating disorder and share one crucial way you can help me and so many others. Now, I say ‘part’ because it really is just that….a ‘part’ and something, I need to continually remind myself of. I have so many wonderful and blessed parts of my life. I know that, and am grateful for that. What is hard about my eating disorder is trying to separate those parts and not let the everyday struggle overpower the joy I do feel on a day to day basis.
I thought I would share a few facts about ‘Binge Eating Disorders’ as I think they are incredibly surprising and helpful to know.
~ Did you know that at any given time in Australia there are roughly ONE MILLION people struggling with an eating disorder? The Butterfly Foundation (2012)
~ Did you know that of that one million almost 50% of them have a Binge Eating Disorder. That’s DOUBLE the number of people that have Anorexia and FIVE times the amount of people struggling with Bulimia. The Butterfly Foundation (2012)
~ Even though a Binge eating disorder is more common than anorexia or bulimia, it is at least as chronic and stable as these disorders (Hudson et al., 2007).
~ People with eating disorders experience higher rates of other mental disorders, with reports of up to 97% having a comorbid condition (meaning occurs at the same time). The most common of these are depression and anxiety disorders, followed by substance abuse and personality disorders. (NEDC, 2010b, 2012a).
~ Anxiety disorders are experienced by 64% of individuals with an eating disorder. Typically, the anxiety disorder presents before the eating disorder, often in childhood. (Kaye et al. 2004). This is me…. except I didn’t know I had anxiety as a child.
~ Eating-disordered behaviours including binging or overeating cause the brain to release dopamine (the pleasure neurotransmitter) and opioids (the system that controls pain, reward and addictive behaviours) (which also happens to be the active ingredient in heroin, cocaine and other narcotics). This chemical release makes disordered eating (eating disorders) literally addictive.
These facts and statistics completed by individuals and research teams are incredibly eye-opening and I’m grateful to be able to share that knowledge. This is the unfortunate reality for so many. I wanted to share with you though, what it feels like to BE one of those statistics numbered above on a day to day basis.
Let’s start at the beginning of my day. I wake up, full still from the previous day’s food as it’s just too much for my body to digest overnight. I don’t feel hungry for breakfast like the rest of my family. I also want to delay starting to eat for the day because it gives me a little more freedom from my eating disorder if the ‘gates have not been open’. So, I hold off knowing that if I touch any bit of food, water or lick my fingers with Weetbix that have fallen off Claire’s spoon I’m opening the door and the race begins.
I go to eat breakfast sometime in the next few hours after waking and nothing looks appealing to me. I want to start my day off with something nourishing and filling but I wonder what the point is when the rest of my day will be spent not doing so. There is a constant battle going on in my head. All those hours I waited for breakfast are not spent ‘enjoying my time’.
They are spent arguing with myself, putting myself down because I just can’t seem to get it together. Begging myself to make better choices today because I don’t want to put any more weight on. Just this year I have gained 20kgs!!
Anyway, need to leave the food dilemma for a second because I need to take my little one to kindy. Oh dear, what do I wear? I don’t fit 99% of my entire wardrobe (and I don’t mean the typical female “nothing fits me”, I mean the literal nothing fits me as I am a much larger size. TEN whole kg’s more than when I was full term with Claire). Opting for the same couple of clothes I wear everywhere, that don’t allow me to feel confident and lead to embarrassment, I get changed in private. Hiding away from everyone in my house because if they were to see me surely, they would be just as disappointed and disgusted in me as I am in myself.
I walk out the door and head to kindy. Furious at myself for being in this place. Furious that this is my life. Physically ill and nauseous because I can’t stand the feeling of my own skin and knowing that even though I haven’t eaten I will need to come home from Kindy and continue this battle in my mind that I already know I’m going to lose. At this point it’s about 9am and I’m exhausted from the hatred, I’m exhausted from feeling trapped and desperate for a break…..which leads to eating all the foods (mostly sugary) to help me feel better. As above to release those emotions of happiness and comfort. It feels just like a drug.
The moment it hits my mouth I feel like I can breathe. My heart rate slows down from the racing beat it was doing minutes before, my fingers stopped shaking and I am calm. Then the next wave of emotion hits. I am embarrassed, I am ashamed, I feel guilty, I feel defeated and I feel worthless. Everything I don’t want for my life, all the hard work I am doing with my eating disorder therapist, my psychiatrist and my dietician feels like a waste of time and money. I’m letting my family down. I’m letting myself down. Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just be like everyone else? Why can’t I just be free?
By this point, it’s not even 9:30am. Every day this is what I feel on repeat ALL DAY LONG. I want to just hide away and not have to face it. Instead, I have children that need to be loved, a house that needs to be cleaned, a family that needs their mother and wife and a life that doesn’t stop, doesn’t wait, a life that keeps ongoing. It feels overwhelming not getting the choice to have a break. Not being able to attend to my mind and myself in my hour of need.
Yet, every single day I need to pluck up the courage to tell my eating disorder that this is not the truth. That my weight and size do not have any impact on my worth. That I am loved and appreciated regardless of my size. That healing and going into recovery takes time. That my professional health team know what they are doing and to trust them and trust the process.
I need to remove the shame associated with my eating disorder. This is one of the reasons why I am sharing. I want to allow others to see my vulnerable side, allows others into my weakness and know that my worth does not diminish because of it. I want to show to myself that I can have flaws and be loved.
So, how can you help? Well, do you know that of the other 500,000 people living in Australia with the same condition as me I don’t know ANY OF THEM? This leads me to feel very alone and leads me to feel as though I’m the only one. That there is something wrong with me. That I’m not like everyone else. Part of healing this thought/emotion (which is shame) is through human commonality. (the others are self-kindness and self-compassion).
Human commonality means having people around you that allow you to KNOW you aren’t alone. There isn’t something ‘wrong’ with you. That ‘everyone’ goes through things. Now you may not be able to relate with me on an eating disorder level but you may have other ways to relate with me or even others.
So many of our issues come from shame and yet instead of us using our flaws as a strength for others, we promote and share a highlight reel of our lives on social media or when we have a quick catch up with a friend.
How many of you as a mother have heard another mum or friend share that their kid also wiped poo on the walls when they were in their cot. Or that their kid would always run away or not sleep through the night. That they didn’t like to wear shoes. That they were fussy eaters etc.
How many of you have suffered a miscarriage and have found others that have too and instantly feel peace because you are not alone? Or maybe had a child/parent/sibling pass away, or you sometimes have challenges in your marriage. Perhaps your child is tube fed and finding others with that similar challenge helps you not feel alone.
This is human commonality. The ability to share with others your flaws, struggles, weaknesses, illnesses and trials. To stand next to someone and say
“Hey, I’ve been there, I’ve gone through that, you’re not alone, there isn’t anything wrong with you, lots of us go through things like that”.
You have the most incredible power to change and impact someone’s life! Now perhaps you’re not ready to share the really big challenges or personal stories, but perhaps you could share how you once reversed into a car, or burnt cookies, or called someone by the wrong name.
Life is about community, it’s about bonding and it about loving.
From someone who feels as though where they are right now is pretty rocky and is pretty much at the bottom, please reach out to others by showing your imperfect side. Show me your beautiful sewing project and a story about how you made a mistake partway through and fixed it. Show me that you are nervous about heading into labour, show me that getting up to exercise when it’s cold is sometimes hard. Show me that you are human too and that I am not alone and that we ALL ARE NOT ALONE.
This is the other reason I share. I want others to know wherever you are that…
and I am proud of you for getting up today. I am proud of you for choosing to keep going. I am cheering you on. So go on, take that shower today/smile with your loved ones/walk to the store for some milk and bread. Don’t let that inner critic put you down.
You are amazing and you will get through this. So, will I, and I can’t wait to share with you all when I do and how it feels. I’ve got hope for a different future. I’ve got hope for my freedom and I’ve got hope for yours too.
Love, Sarah Kay xx
P.s. Got something you want to share with me? Need someone to talk to? Got some humanness you would like me to know of. Send me an email at sarahkaysway@gmail.com
I’d absolutely LOVE to hear from you!
gotara bi nirx. Gabriella Kin Frank
Vielen Dank für die gemeinsame Nutzung.
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