It’s been a little while since my last update. Couple of reasons…. firstly, I have been spending the time learning more about where my challenges have stemmed from and figuring out the effects that has on my day to day life. Secondly, it’s very challenging to write a blog post when Nathanael is working from home on the computer due to Covid-19. So here I am on a Saturday writing while Nathanael is working the election so we can enjoy a sneaky family holiday in 2021 because apparently 2020 is cancelled.
I wanted to share my thoughts on Covid-19. For some it’s a new challenge and for others it’s actually quite familiar when looking at it emotionally. It’s been an interesting time over the past month and especially in the last week. Haven’t things changed a bit here on earth? All across the world people are experiencing a new (temporary) way of living and dealing with new experiences. It’s been a steep learning curve for so many of us and I’m sure for so many it has brought new or familiar emotions to the forefront.
I know I definitely have experienced a range of emotions as we work through this pandemic. These have ranged from anxiety, frustration, disappointment, uncertainty, boredom, feeling out of whack due to loss of routine, heartbreak for so many struggling, scared, sad, lonely, grateful, blessed, safe and loved.
Something that struck me though is the way some people have reacted to this worldwide disruption. From panic buying to negativity, to fighting over groceries, to dispersing fake news, to blaming, to shaming, judging, carelessness, unawareness and bravery.
What I think is interesting is that people have been put in an uncomfortable position and all of a sudden, it’s bringing out new and sometimes unpleasant emotions. Now, each to their own. Everyone is going to respond differently and I’m sure there are preferred ways of responding but not everyone is at a point in their life where they can give that type of reaction and what I find interesting is that a lot of these feelings are ones that I and so many have felt before.
I’ve been learning recently that a lot of my behaviour past and present is a result of unhealed/unidentified trauma and lack of emotional support. That parts of my brain have developed and shaped in a way irregular to the average person. That although having for lots of it, a blessed childhood, I missed out on some of the things I needed for my personal emotional development. At 27yrs old, I have finally been made aware that I have generalised high functioning anxiety (GHFA). That being around certain people actually trigger my trauma and therefore cause a certain reaction that I don’t like but haven’t until now been able to realise.
I have been shocked and greatly appreciative to see the gaps and holes in my life and it makes complete sense to where I am now. Speaking with my dietician and therapist it’s become clear that I have had this eating disorder problem for over TWO DECADES. Whaaaaaaa? Read that again, TWO DECADES. That I have had GHFA for over TWO DECADES. Do you know how freeing it is to know that? To now be able to see and understand why I behave in certain ways in particular situations. To actually have the option now to work on those things albeit hard? It is a game-changer.
Recently I was talking to my mum and I shared with her that the guilt and shame I felt over some of my childhood and teenage behaviour was immense. That I have always been utterly disappointed and embarrassed. I shared with her how after just a short time my perspective has changed. Now I look at myself, my choices and behaviour and think how different I might have been and how different the choices I made might have been if I had of had the awareness and mental support I have now. Here was a young girl trying to make decisions and trying to cope with an illness and no treatment and yet I have blamed her for failing. Blamed her for not reaching my high expectations? That’s like expecting someone to be a lifesaver and yet not equipping them with the knowledge and training to swim. Of course, they are going to fail.
Now I recognise that it’s not an excuse for my behaviour but I sure as heck have a lot more compassion for myself and compassion for my choices, and that’s exactly how I feel about Covid-19 and those affected by it. Some of the people out there ‘panic buying’, refusing to self-isolate, and those being negative in various ways (like yelling at workers) are really just struggling. Some of these people have never been in a situation where they have to plan for more than the week ahead, some have possibly never been alone before, some may not know how to prepare for an event like this. Some perhaps are being emotionally triggered. Some perhaps don’t fully comprehend how dangerous and dire the situation is.
That goes for myself also. Part of my challenge is that because of my experience with trauma I don’t always comprehend and grasp a dangerous situation properly. It takes me longer than the ‘average’ person to grasp the seriousness of it. It wasn’t until I spoke to a family member who was blunt with me that I was able to have it sink in enough to change my actions. How grateful I am to have someone in my life willing to be patient enough with me to lay the facts out bluntly but not judge me, not guilt me, not ‘hate’ on me.
Where would we all be if we could have a little more compassion for others? Yes, panic buying is serious and it has created a massive problem for our country, I don’t want to diminish that fact, but I just know that for so many people there is more going on than meets the eye. I’m sure for some people they are not even aware of their needs, struggles and inner challenges. Just like for 27yrs I didn’t know I had GHFA because I simply wasn’t aware. How I would have loved to have had more compassionate people along the way while I figured it out.
So…from one struggler to another… be kind. Be compassionate. Don’t put hate on social media. Don’t sit in your homes and judge people. Have empathy, have gratitude, spare a thought or prayer for those that perhaps don’t have it all together because I think you will find there are quite a few of us out there.
Finally, I wanted to share that it’s okay to have lots of feelings as we head into an unknown period of self-isolation. It’s okay if you feel anxious about the unknown, if you feel lost without your friends and your family, if you feel like your heart is breaking because of loneliness. It’s okay if the people in your household while lovely and joyful don’t complete you. It’s okay if you don’t have a coloured coded system for the day and it’s okay if you do.
It’s okay if you miss the life you had just a few weeks ago, it’s okay to be angry that you didn’t get to have the event you wanted. It’s okay to be angry if you lost your job or your business. It’s okay to feel scared for your mental health, it’s okay to admit that. It’s okay if you don’t feel excited about being inside with your kids/family for an extended period of time.
Everything you are feeling is real and it doesn’t lessen your worth for feeling that way. Let your body feel it and when you have let your body release it. This is a time to allow yourself to just be. Whatever that might look like today, that’s okay. This is a huge worldwide crisis. Some people deal with these types of emotions every single day. For some people, this will be the most difficult thing they have done… ever or perhaps recently or even for a while to come.
Have compassion that (almost) everyone is doing the best they can even if that doesn’t look like it to you. The last decade of my life would have been a lot different if I had of given myself the compassion I deserved. Don’t ever forget that you can have that effect on those around you physically and digitally.
I love you, stay safe, stay isolated, stay compassionate, stay awesome.
Love, Sarah Kay, xx
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