Thank you so much for all your support on my last blog post. I wrote that in what I would call the absolute pit (bottom) of my eating disorder trial so far. I am sooooo proud to say that I am feeling better and have been working really hard to move forward.
Think of it as a massive cliff. Since a year ago I fell off the edge (one I’ve probably been very close to for many years), fell down during the end of 2019, hit the very bottom about 6 weeks ago and now am starting to climb my way back up. I can still feel the bottom very close but it’s refreshing and uplifting (pun not intended) to be on the way up. I’m looking forward to sharing with you all what that means on a day to day basis and how it looks with an eating disorder another time because I have such a lovely and life-changing story to share with you all today.
Since my last post, I had some incredible interactions with so many of you but one, in particular, has been so special and I have felt so grateful. So here we go, the backstory is…..
My mother joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (‘(Mormon’) when I was 3.5yrs old. Since then we attended every week of every month of every year. That gave me an awesome opportunity to meet amazing people and have a large support group growing up. In particular one special person who was my best friend Rachael. We met at church when we were 3 and were glued to each other from then. We went to different schools and so we only got to see each other on Sunday’s and it was great. We shared lollipops, sat next to each other in every class and were called the “terrible twins” by her dad.
It was a special friendship because even though we didn’t get to see each other a lot until we were teenagers and more activities brought us together (and then the whole *the world has mobile phones now which means you can contact people*) it was beautiful to know that no matter what happened throughout the week we knew that we would be able to see each other and reconnect each Sunday.
Fast forward 15 years, we both finish school, move out of home, I move to Brisbane from Toowoomba where Rachael stayed, and we start our adult lives as good friends. I was blessed to get engaged and asked Rachael if she would be one of my bridesmaids. Rachael was so supportive, helpful and kind as usual.
Now just to sidetrack a moment, some of you will know Rachael and others will not. For those that don’t, she is a kind soul with A LOT of love to offer. She takes everything in, cares deeply and loves to have simple fun. Rachael is amazing with children and followed a career into caring for them. She is bubbly, fun and genuine. Rachael will do anything for you and her adorable laugh and easy-going nature is a pure joy to be around.
Anyway, anyway, back to my story. Rachael was there beside me to share my special day, help me wipe down my dress after every human and their dirty feet walked all over it and she gave the most beautiful speech that left her and I in tears. It was a truly special moment to appreciate all those years of friendship and love.
Unfortunately, though, being young and trying to deal with tough emotions left both of us fragile.
As the weeks and months passed after my wedding our conversations became fewer and far between and when they did happen there was tension. It’s a devastating reality to admit but I didn’t invest the same love and time into my friendship as I once had. My overwhelming mental health took a toll and I became ‘judgy’ and unsupportive. Being that little bit older than Rachael (a whole 9mths) I had always tried to look out for her like a mini big sister. I was always offering advice and sharing my ideas. However, this pattern turned south when I became married at 19 and thought I had all the ideas and disregarded anything Rachael wanted to do that was outside of my ‘plan’ for her.
I wanted my sweetest and oldest friend to be as happy as I was and I thought I knew the way to make that happen so anytime Rachael went outside of that plan I didn’t respond like a true friend. I freaked out and eventually pushed her away. This was back in late 2012 early 2013 and I can’t even recall the last conversation we had before we just stopped talking. Time passed and Rachael continued to date the guy I had completely ‘disapproved’ of without even meeting or getting to know and her life moved on without me.
There were countless times I wanted to reach out to her, I wanted to apologise, I wanted to reconnect but my fear stopped me. Then to make things worse in June 2015 an ‘incident’ happened on Facebook. I did something that seemed to me as ‘innocent’ but to Rachael was the last straw. After years of not talking I had triggered her last response and was officially cut off. I responded to a message and it was never viewed, not even that day, or a week, or month, or even years later. Never viewed, never read, never seen. It hit me hard.
I had broken a friendship so badly and brought it to this point. I had in that time missed her wedding day (yes to that guy I mentioned before who she is very happy with) and missed two of her children being grown and brought into this world. It was an eye-opening experience for me to recognise my behaviour, to recognise that there were more people in this world than just me and that a friendship needs to be two people who give genuine love and my actions over the years had not reflected that.
Fast forward over the years from 2015 and sometimes I would drop in anonymous flowers, cards etc for special occasions to her house. When I saw her parents at church on a weekend, I was visiting I would always ask after her to make sure she was okay. I stalked her on social media. I wanted so badly to have an opportunity to apologise, to validate her feelings and her hurt. I wanted to share my increased awareness of my faults and work to one day maybe, just maybe being given the opportunity to earn her trust again and work towards having a friendship.
5 years of feeling heartbroken that my immature actions had left me without someone I deeply wanted to be in my life. Heartbroken that my actions as an imperfect human had hurt her so much. So much disappointment and sadness that it brings me to tears to even write. I missed my friend and I mourned the time we had lost.
Sooooo you can imagine my absolute disbelief when I post my last blog and shortly after I have a message request from Rachael asking if I would forgive her and give her a chance to explain how sorry she was for how ‘bad’ she had treated me. 5 years of not ONE WORD and almost 7 years of NO TALKING. I legit nearly fainted!
I was blown away. In a moment my life had changed. Now I know that seems corny but I just don’t think I can express in words what it has done to me personally and to my confidence to know that I have hurt someone so badly and ruined a 15yr+ friendship. I felt as though I had nothing to offer in a friendship and didn’t trust myself that I could ever be there for someone and not end up making their life worse.
I cried and I sobbed! Like a little girl, vulnerable and grateful. How could I possibly be in a position where Rachael was apologising and very graciously wondering if I could ever get her the chance to be friends again. I mean the shock that ran through me and then the overwhelming relief that perhaps, just perhaps I could be worth something hit me hard.
Obviously, I messaged back my long apology that I had been planning and had written in my head for almost a decade and in the end, there were just two women who, when they were girls just didn’t know how to deal with the emotions of tough childhoods begging to find comfort in one another. It will be a treasured memory for the rest of my life. I’m talking in the neighbourhood of my wedding day, birthing my humans etc.
You want to know what the real clincher was……
I asked her why, after all this time did SHE reach out to me (this is after learning that the millennial stalking was mutual and she had been reading my blogs and looking at my socials all along and among other reasons) this is exactly what she said.
“Seeing you be raw recently within your blog, I guess is what led me to message you. I wanted you to know that I was here for you as you are going through your own battles.
I wanted you to know that I was supporting you as you uncovered a whole lot of scary things about yourself.
I WANTED TO BE BRAVE, JUST LIKE YOU WERE BEING”
I mean…..woah! Now I don’t think it was a coincidence that my recovery has taken such a positive step over these past few weeks. The confidence and value I feel within myself now are to me, tangible. To have someone believe in you so deeply and to have someone who you’ve hurt turn around and compliment you and recognise your efforts to be brave. It was exactly what I needed. I didn’t know it, but it was.
I think sometimes we have wounds that are so raw and so vulnerable that it’s painful to even think about them and as a result of two women being brave, a magical and SOUL changing moment has occurred. The wound is still painful and it still feels fresh but it is healing in a way I never thought would happen.
So, to my sweet Rachael, I want you to know, God loves me because He led me to you. I can never adequately express what you have done for me in my life and in my soul. I will be indebted to you for my entire life. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for having the courage to change my life.
All of us have moments where we can choose to be brave. I am here as a witness that beautiful and completely unexpected things can come when you choose to do so. I also want to remind you of the unimaginable power you possess to make an impact in the lives of others.
Don’t waste that opportunity. Look for ways that you can help heal and uplift others. When I recover fully from my eating disorder and I live a very happy and fulfilled life with my family I will know the impact Rachael had on my success and I will be grateful for all the moments and memories that came from it.
Rachael, my sweet friend. Thank you and I love you.
Love, Sarah Kay xx
P.s. Please enjoy some photos of us catching up. We have done that a couple of times now since reconnecting and have plans for many more moments to come. Like meeting that husband of hers that I ‘disapprove’ of. Haha.
P.p.s. Our kids are now meeting at almost the exact same age we were. The legacy continues but this time we will work to have no breaks in their friendship. xx
beautiful x