Sadness flies away on the wings of time – Jean De La Fontaine
It’s been a week now since I went in for surgery and had my final moments to say goodbye…for now. I arrived at the waiting room 6:30am and checked in. I had Nathanael with me for a short time and his light-hearted nature was well-timed. Moments of laughter and appreciation that I am doing life with him in all the moments, the good and the sad. But it was time for him to leave and time for me to just be with my baby.
As I sat there, I pulled out my phone and I wrote, I needed the feelings to come out and I needed to remember this moment. This is what I jotted down while in the waiting room.
After heading through and answering questions they asked me to get dressed and prepped for surgery. There was a change in schedule and I had nurses entering the change rooms helping me finish getting prepared as I was now the next person to go in even though I wasn’t scheduled for another hour or two. They raced me down the hall and got me onto the bed and the tears starting falling. A routine question they have to ask is “What surgery are you here for today” over and over again I had to tell them D&C but what came to my mind each time was ‘saying goodbye’.
As I headed to the prep room I was left alone for a moment. My heart started racing and the anxiety rose as I lay there praying that everything would go well. I started doing some breathing exercises I had learnt earlier this year in a trauma therapy workshop. The exercise worked so well I was calm. I lay there with my hand over my baby and said “Goodbye”.
As a mother your greatest desire is to have your children close and to keep them safe so it was so heartbreaking to know at that moment, I needed to let my baby go and be strong and faithful until I get to see them again. I was told I would be given something to relax and then I was being woken up and sent home.
The next couple of days were different than expected. I could sense my hormones were dropping and my body was filling with sadness. Sadness that I had no control over and felt like it was just rising and I was going to drown in it. Thankfully those feeling subsided as my body continued to recover.
A week on and my body is still slowly getting there. I’m still recovering and still trying to work through this time. Over the weekend we headed to a family Christmas party. As we drove out there, tears filled my eyes and spilt onto my cheeks. This is when we were going to announce our pregnancy, this is where we would share our joyful news and bask in the excitement of a happy and expanding 2021.
Instead, I sat there, bleeding and cramping and feeling every twinge of sadness that ran through my body. On the one hand, having a wonderful time being present and being happy in the moment and also feeling deep sadness and grief over my loss. A loss that to me is so precious and special.
I still see and feel the blessings around me and even though I won’t be sharing the news of our Christmas wish coming true at the end of this week I will work to stay present and enjoy the wishes that have already come true and are here with me now. My beautiful girls and husband
I know that in time I will heal physically and I know that the pain will continue to ease. I know there will be times ahead of great sadness and pain and times of peace and comfort.
For now, I will let my heartache, I will ride the waves of grief and sadness as long as I need. Even if the messages and words of comfort stop from others, I will honour my emotions and my pain for whatever lies ahead.
I miss you little one. I wish you were still here with me. I wish I was counting down the weeks and the months until I am with you but I’ll just need to stretch that countdown out a little longer, but for you, I would do whatever I need to until we can be together again.
Love, Sarah Kay, xx