Facing my next big fear

Lots of you may know that I’ve always been a pretty active person. Mainly sports over my lifetime. I enjoy being able to move my body, compete, have fun and push myself. Over the past few years, I have been doing this through the gym. I wanted to share with you today my next big fear and why.  *also to add, the photos I’m using are from over the past 5 years and represent photos I haven’t wanted to share of me in my workout clothes because I thought I looked awful. Urgh, how sad right? Sooooo I’m now sharing them*

So as most of you would know early this year in March the gyms were all closed due to coronavirus. Slowly after a couple of months, they were reopened with limited capacity. Now (in Queensland) they can be opened at a capacity very close to before Covid-19. What you may not have known is just a week or two before the gyms closed, I was struggling to want to continue attending. 

Having been at this gym for almost 2 years and attending 3-6 times a week over that time this was new for me. I had been at this gym before falling pregnant, during pregnancy, past my due date and even 6 weeks post-baby and almost the following year beyond that. 

I loved being at the gym, I enjoyed being able to move my body, gain strength, chat with friends, and enjoy a sneaky little break from parenting for 45mins. It was a part of my regular routine. I would either take both girls or would drop Annabelle off at Kindy and take my 9-10mth old and be at the gym by 9am multiple times a week. 

Then early this year when my eating disorder really came into force, I was gaining weight at a rapid pace, struggling to fit into my clothes and struggling to maintain my fitness levels. My heart was breaking and I remember sitting in my therapist’s room saying “I just don’t think I can go anymore, even though people aren’t judging me and it’s a safe place for me, I don’t feel safe in myself anymore and don’t want to go”.

Then a week or so later the gym was closed anyway and I didn’t have to make that decision to stop going myself. I was also in that time of contemplation seeing a physio for post-birth-related issues. 

Taking a step back in this story, I had similar issues post the birth of Annabelle and sought an opinion from a physio. He told me my hip problem was pelvic floor related and so I stopped all high impact training at home (before I joined the gym) and after about a year I was finally able to run more than 1km and still be able to walk the next day. 

Back to earlier this year, 12mths postpartum, deep in an eating disorder, the gym still closed, physio work for 2-3mths and not really improving and I did a workout at home. A simple boxing workout with a proper warm-up and 10mins in and I was hurt and needed to stop. The next day I could barely walk. I knew that something was really wrong with my back, hips, pelvis area. 

After seeing an orthopaedic surgeon (goodbye $450) he referred me to a specialist out of town. I booked in to see her and cried after I left my first appointment. She was so intelligent and knew exactly what was wrong. Basically, I have an issue that affects my insides (ligaments etc) that increases my flexibility levels. This has altered my sacrum and sacroiliac joints which is what causes me the pain. I was told to cease exercise until I can get my body under control. So here I am 4mths after that appointment in early Nov and I have been given the clearance to perform very light exercises (eg. Bicep Curl, Tricep Curls, light small step-ups, small machine work and cardio equipment). I am so excited to get back into the gym but coming from someone who was doing full burpees to the floor after my due date this is a major scale back. 

So why am I so scared? 

There is this fear that heading back to the gym will confirm the reality that I don’t look like and act like the person I was 6-12mths ago. That my body is a representation of the hard times I’ve faced this year. I don’t feel ready to turn up and show where I am at. I’m scared that there will be some people that will judge me, talk about me, stare at me and misunderstand me. I know that people are going to do that anyway but my memory of the gym was a place of comfort and a welcoming environment and I don’t feel ready to possibly taint that. 

I’m also returning to the gym having gained at least 20kgs and having not been allowed to do ANY exercise for over 6mths now. I basically have a very low muscle capacity right now and will need to start at the very beginning. A place I have never been before. I was SO much fitter than I am now when I returned after having a baby and a 6week break. I mean I am so unfit I got sore calves walking up my Mother in Law’s steep driveway a couple of times one recent Saturday. Same Saturday Nathanael ran 32km in the bush and pulled up fine the next day. 

Walking into that gym isn’t about walking back into a life I once knew. Walking into that gym requires me to be completely vulnerable. To own where I am at. To have hope that I am worthy of friendship, smiles, interactions, love, despite my change in appearance and attitude. To greet old friends and acquaintances and try to put into words how the last 8mths have been for me. 

This time I walk into the gym will be different. I won’t be there to ‘lose’ weight. I won’t be there for any kind of body aesthetics. I will be there because I want to be stronger, I want to strengthen my injuries to prevent them from further hurt. I want to feel good in my mind from training and to have that sneaky parenting break because that job is hardddddd!

To be honest I started writing this blog post a couple of weeks ago. I only got halfway through which is not like me. I got interrupted by the kids and have taken my time getting back to it. I know that when I post it, I will need to carry through with my word and I haven’t been ready. I’ve been allowed to train for 2-3 weeks now and I am SO scared. 

Just because I am working on loving my self more, being neutral about myself more, caring less about what others think and starting a new life in which, the size of my body doesn’t equate to my worth doesn’t change the fact that it’s really hard to accept a new life. That I grieve my old self in some ways. I’m not quite where I want to be and that’s hard. 

Deep down I want to walk into the gym and feel loved. I don’t want to have to feel ashamed because of my life, my choices, my struggles, my mental health, my differences. I want to walk into there and be okay. 

This entire year has been filled with moments I have not wanted to participate in, photoshoots, family events, catching up with old friends/family, returning to church. I have wanted to stay away and hide from it all until I was ready. Every time I have wanted to use an excuse to not attend, even to things like family dinner because the shame and the pain I have felt in my body and in my struggles have been so great I would rather be alone.

Instead, though, I have made a big effort this year to be brave. I have pushed myself to live these moments, to attend the events, return to church and live through the pain and I know this will be the same. 

I can feel my heart hurting and begging me to not to go the gym, to use my own home gym (which I don’t like using), it’s trying to protect me from the pain and discomfort, but I know that I need to live a wholehearted life, I know that I need to be authentic and I need to choose these moments of braveness to enjoy lasting happiness. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen next week when I head back in. I just know that we all go through things that are incredibly hard and it’s not our place to judge or minimize the hardship. It is our place to cheer each other on. 

Mine will be facing my fears and owning my life next Monday when I head to the gym. 

Nathanael’s will be as he faces his first Ultra TRAIL Marathon (which is 50km of up and down trails roughly 7-8hrs of running *blinks slowly*…right….I know!!!) 

Both are worthy, both are hard, both need cheering, both are different, both are incredible! 

So whatever your hard might be, standing up for yourself, getting in the picture, owning your mistakes and imperfections or running a really really really long way. I see you, I’m cheering you on. Happiness and joy 

are on the other side and I can’t wait to find it. 

As always, 

Love, Sarah Kay xx