A different miracle than expected

I wanted to start by thanking each and every one of you. Hundreds of you read my blog and so many of you sent your prayers, well wishes and love. It has been an incredibly touching experience having so many people offering their support. Thank you so deeply for that. 

We finally have an outcome and more information on what is going on. We learnt Friday afternoon, (not Thursday morning as planned due to myself running late between important appointments and being outside of the hospitals 10min late policy which resulted in a rescheduling of our scan, urgh) that our little one that fought so hard to be here…..is now gone. 

Lying there this afternoon with Nathanael by my side I wondered. I had given this hope a great chance and put my faith into action. As we watched the ultrasound begin the tone from the sonographer wasn’t what we wanted to hear. My heart sank and it burned, but I chose to spend that time soaking up every minute I had to watch my baby on the screen for the last time. The heartbeat was gone, our baby was not growing and our opportunity to expand our family, for now, lost. I couldn’t help but just stare and let my heart fill with love. The love I felt for our baby at that time was an incredibly special moment. While it was still filled with sadness and disappointment that it wasn’t our time, I didn’t feel alone, I didn’t feel angry, I just felt the love. 

As we prepared to leave and head up to the early pregnancy clinic to discuss the next step I turned to Nathanael. I shared how sorry I was, he responded telling me to allow myself to feel sad, grieve and do what I need to without any guilt that I was responsible for this. I love that man of mine and its in these moments that I remain incredibly grateful that he is by my side, living life with me. 

The rest of the day was full on and busy. Heading upstairs I was given a few options on where to go from here. The most recommended for how far along I am is to have surgery to remove the baby. I knew that was going to be an option but they only had one elective spot left for Monday morning and if I didn’t take that I may not get another chance at surgery without having to wait in the emergency room all day for days on end. 

It was a stressful time trying to make a decision at that moment. I headed downstairs in the hospital to get a blood test and had that time to make a choice. 

The Dr that did the consenting was going home in just 2hrs and so I would need to wait 90mins for a blood test to confirm my eligibility for surgery. I took Nathanael home so he could continue to work as he had very strict and pressing deadlines to be finished immediately, as I was leaving it was also the same time that I had a therapy appointment that I had waited weeks to get. So, on the drive home I delved into my appointment, I arrived home and continued it in the car and then drove back to the hospital where I still continued to discuss while driving (legally 😉). 

Arriving back, I had no time to make a decision but I know it’s the best thing for me to remain healthy as my pregnancy has gone on too long now and this will help me get the best outcome. I’ve never been under anaesthetic before so I feel nervous about that for a couple of reasons. Some of the risks associated with the surgery are scary, like getting a hysterectomy. I couldn’t even imagine waking up and being told I can’t have any more children. The other is what crazy things will I share when I wake up?!? 

So next week instead of getting ready to organise a pregnancy announcement to share with you all, I will be heading in to have our baby removed. While this is a devastating time and my heart very much feels broken, I wanted to share with you the miracle that has been received that was different than expected.  The miracle of blessings.

Throughout the past few weeks, I have had so much support, love and kindness that has been incredibly uplifting. I have felt such a stronger connection to this baby than I did a few weeks ago. I have learnt to love in a way that I hadn’t fully discovered. I have grown closer to my daughter and to my husband. I have awkwardly reached out for help which like everyone else is something I find hard to do. I have reconnected with friends from many years ago and I have heard stories of others that have been through something similar. 

I even had one woman who is an absolute angel turn up at my door with flowers and chocolates wanting to be ‘strong’ for me but really allowed a moment of tears to flow as the genuineness of her love and prayers flooded my heart. It was a moment like others where I KNEW I wasn’t and wouldn’t be alone. 

As I was driving home from the hospital, I took a moment to think about all those that are in a similar position that don’t have two beautiful babes to head home to like I do. 

While I have had my times and waves of sadness, moments of feeling frustrated, moments of dread at the thought of having to try to conceive again, I have been filled with an overwhelming number of moments that have filled my heart. 

I know that Heavenly Father has been near to us during this time and I know that this is the way that things need to be. So, while it’s not my turn to be in the 20% that has a healthy and growing baby, I know that someone else will be and I am so happy for them. 

Thank you again so much for all of you that have sent prayers, love and concern. You have made this experience easier to manage and I am so grateful for each and every one of you. 

I’ve had a few people that know ask what they can do to help. Honestly, just like everyone else, I struggle to ask for help……but I really WANT to be BRAVE and be HONEST. Hoping that this will inspire you to reach out if you need too. 

I know that a couple of things that have been and probably will be hard for us during this time is looking after our overly happy and energetic girls so if you would like to have them or one of them for a play, you are most welcome. (unless you are a stranger reading this, then no, sorry, this does not include you 😉). 

Alternatively, not having to make dinner would be soooo nice. So, if you’re an awesome cook or great at buying a simple dinner and would like to help, I will not be saying no. I will be incredibly awkward and will feel SO guilty as I usually do for ANY help but again, I want to be honest.

As I sat in the hospital, I was feeling anxious and stressed because I knew I needed to get back to Nathanael so I could take over watching the girls. Nathanael is a 100% put family first so when he says he will need to work till 9pm tonight which I’ve NEVER seen him need to do before in 8yrs of marriage, I know that the toll of watching the girls for all these appointments has been hard on him and his time. I sat there at this moment wishing two things. 

1. That I had a closer village of family to help. I have willing people but not ones that live close enough to help. 
2. That I was brave enough to reach out for help.

One of the main reasons I don’t ask for help is I don’t want to burden anyone else because I can’t manage absolutely everything in my life. I have found it really challenging because normally I would take them to every therapy appointment, Dr’s, Fertility, Blood Test but these appointments i’m simply not allowed to bring them. 

Thank you for helping me be brave. If you’re reading this and think you could help, wonderful. If not, that’s okay too. 

During this beautiful Christmas season, it’s a wonderful time to look around and see what you can do to make someone’s life a little easier. I am looking forward to being back on my feet and in a position where I can give back to others, but for now, I know and I’m sure I’m going to hear it from many of you that it’s my time to rest, it’s my time to recover. 

I know the emotions are only just starting and that Monday will bring more but I thank you for being on this journey with me.

I look forward to joining you on yours in the weeks, months and years to come. 

Last but not at all least, to my little babe. I love you. I always will. Until we meet again for a sweet reunion, I’ll be waiting. 

Love always, Sarah Kay, xx