Welcome to the big 2 0 2 3. The new year has always been a special time for me. Like Christmas, it just seems to have this specialness about the season. I’m certain that New Year’s has a special magic that if allowed can heal you and inspire you.
Another reason I love New Year’s is that it means my birthday is around the corner. Being a Feb 1 kind of gal. I’m always sure to follow my “Happy New Year’s” chant with a “One month until my birthday” chant. Haha.
This year’s birthday however is a very special one. As next week I am turning T H I R T Y.
For lots of people who head into a new decade, it’s like a new chapter is starting while the old one is closing. I think the timing of being 30 has lined up perfectly. I feel completely ready to close my 20’s chapter. I feel like I am putting some finishing touches on the healing I’ve been experiencing and look forward to the next phase of my life. It just feels right.
So, in light of turning 30, I have been reflecting on some of the lessons I have learnt that have aided me in my healing, and my passion for growth and have helped me uncover who I am. I thought it would be great to write them down and share them with you. So, in no particular order here they are.
- “Being who you want to be in life is a choice”. Life may certainly throw you some curveballs and it can temporarily dampen your light but ultimately, we are the only ones who get to choose who we are and who we want to be.
2. Which leads me into, “Someone else’s opinion of me is actually none of my business”. Being someone, you like and someone you are proud of helps to reduce the time spent caring, worrying or acting on someone else’s distaste for who you are. I have a couple of people in my life who just don’t love who I am. That’s slowly becoming way more okay with me because I like who I am and that’s what matters.
3. “Stop and smell the roses”. I remember in my early 20’s I had two different people who I valued pull me aside and tell me to just stop. I was so busy chasing the next thing. Here I was 22, married, owning a home, going to university, working full time, trying for a baby and wanting more more more. They both made it quite clear that life was passing me by while I heading for the next thing. It took me another few years to slowly unlearn most of this practice but I am now a lot more in the moment and enjoying where life is at right now. It took me getting VERY clear on my purpose and what I wanted out of life to spend my time enjoying those things.
4. “Success is going to look different for everyone. Staying true to what I define as success over the years has helped to bring so much joy rather than turmoil. Focusing on my lane has been amazing. No two lives and timelines are going to look the same. Picturing myself at the end of my life and what success would look like to me was very helpful.
5. Motherhood is bittersweet. My entire time as a mother has been spent enjoying the amazing new and fun things kids can do and completely grieving their growth. Each new milestone is incredibly bittersweet.
6. Leaning into yourself is freeing. I’ve decided that I feel unbelievably uncomfortable in pants/skirts. I mostly hate the way they feel so now my wardrobe is about 90% dresses and it makes me so much happier. It seems weird but I love it.
7. I am adamant at my funeral I want it to be low cost. I want the cheapest casket you can get. No flowers. I would want people to spend any money they think they might want on taking their family out to dinner or go to the zoo or something. I also want pikelets with jam and cream served as people leave because that’s a surefire way to improve their day.
8. “Grief is not limited to people dying”. Grief is actually something that happens a lot more often and can be for a great range of reasons outside of death. It is defined as the loss of someone or something important. So, loss of opportunities, loss of good health (this is a constant one for me in relation to my back, genetic conditions, excess skin etc), loss of family/friend relationships, loss of faith, loss of things that haven’t even happened yet. For example. I know I will need to grieve one day leaving our family home when we move to our next. Once we recognize we are grieving something or someone it allows us to start processing through that with greater clarity.
9. “Friends come in all shapes and sizes” For most of my life my friends have been about 10 years older than me but lately I’ve had some more unique friends come into my life. Childhood friends, brother’s ex-girlfriend friends, school friends, blood test friends, and work-related friends. In the last 12 months, my friend circle has grown incredibly. I’ve always been trying to build my village and I’ve come to recognize that my constant desire and search for it has brought very special people into my life. From a boss that was calling me at 9pm in the hospital last Feb with covid to talk me through what I needed personally and how to get those things for me. To male work colleagues in their 50’s that ask for baby pictures to tell me how cute Lydia is or call to just talk to me or offer help. To work friends that have gifted my girls things to show me they care for me through my kids. When I sit back and look at the people in my life I recognize that Sarah 10 years ago couldn’t imagine how my village has come together.
10. “I am an Enneagram 1”. “Of all the personality tests that are out there the Enneagram one is the most accurate” – Nathanael (Hater of all personality type tests). Learning what my Enneagram is and some of those close to me has been helpful in learning how to work with, communicate and bond with those around me. I’d love to hear what you are after taking the test.
11. Second-hand is way cool. We are a second-hand family and it brings so much joy. Our family can enjoy many items we wouldn’t normally buy at full price. Facebook Marketplace is the bomb!
12. Being religious for me brings me joy. What a bold statement these days. It feels increasingly harder to be religious in this day and age. For me, though it truly brings me joy. It might not be for you and that’s totally okay. You do what you gotta do. For me, though I feel home, purpose and happiness.
13. You are in control of who is in your life and NO ONE is more important than yourself. If ties need to be cut, or boundaries need to be set, do it. You are living your life for you and your family first, the end.
14. “Parents don’t know everything”. Years ago, I called my mum and asked her what part of the leek you used for the potato and leek soup I was making. She said she didn’t know. What! I remember thinking. How do you not know? I was truly baffled. The older I get the more I recognize the capacity that my parents have and why. I am learning to have compassion for them and trying to meet them where they are at.
15. Being a ‘super mum’ is no longer a compliment. I always appreciate the sentiment behind it but it’s a label now that makes an overloaded and overwhelmed mum seem ‘okay’.
16. Making yourself smaller is out and taking the space you need to exist is in. While it’s appropriate at times to tweak this to suit social and environmental needs you are just as entitled to this earth as others so you exist and you exist however big you need to.
17. Give yourself a pat on the back. The week before school last year we all got Covid. This year Annabelle had chicken pox. The difference in my reaction to the first day of school being threatened this year to last is amazing. Take time to reflect and see your growth and success. Give yourself some praise for how you are growing and handling life.
18. “Decluttering is a hobby”. For sure. This is one of my favourite things to do. The older I get the more I realize how little I want. I just recently filled a trailer for the op shop even though I did a major declutter just before Lydia was born. I don’t need to keep anything in my house that doesn’t serve me or my family. Regardless of where it came from or who gave it to me. I keep saying to Mum. “If I bought you something and you don’t like it, pass it along. Of course, I’ll be offended and deeply hurt haha but I’ll be happy your home serves you the way you want it to”. (And while you’re there mum, get rid of that driftwood wall hanging haha)
19. Communication is like the secret sauce of life. The better you get at it the better it makes everything. What’s one aspect of communication you can do better this year. Mine is to listen more. Yes, mum. It’s not a strength. It’s all good. It will be, one day.
20. “Emotional pain is painful for everyone”. As much as I would like to think I am validating and comforting in times of emotional pain I have a long way to go. I find myself wanting to fix it, find an explanation or band-aid it. It’s uncomfortable for everyone who has to sit with that pain and that’s something I want to lean into more.
21. Radical acceptance is a great skill to have. If you haven’t heard about it, search for it and practise it.
22. Therapy is wayyyyy cool. What a useful and helpful tool to help us. I am a proud #therapyadvocate. My life has completely changed with it. I said to Nathanael recently I truly believe everyone could benefit from therapy. Imagine if we all tried to fix our cars when they broke. Sure others might do better than some but going to a mechanic is helpful for all of us whether our cars need a little service or a major service.
23. Affirmations are for everyone. I genuinely believe saying affirmations out loud can be life-changing. Often our minds are telling us stories that aren’t true. Affirmations are a way to stop the brain in its track before it continues to confirm and double down on untrue statements.
24. “Everyone is struggling” Now, that doesn’t mean that everyone has something big and terrible happening at this moment. I’ve come to notice that everyone is usually doing the best they can. Everyone has different capacities. Just because one person can easily achieve a task doesn’t mean the next person can. It can seem so simple to you but be one of the hardest things for others. So, give people a little space to do the best they can.
25. Audiobooks are one of my favourite things. The world of learning and enjoyment is right there. I love to listen in the car, walking, doing housework, downtime, etc.
26. “Childhood trauma isn’t our fault, but it is our responsibility”. A lot of us have experienced challenges and trauma as children and for a lot of years, it can feel unfair that we are now lumped with the aftereffects. At some point though we need to take responsibility for what we are going to do about it. We can’t change our parents, siblings, and partners to accommodate. It’s up to us to do the work and it’s incredibly freeing to take ownership and give your younger self what they needed then and now moving forward.
27. My kids will always be my biggest teachers. Over the years they have refined me greatly but I have felt a huge shift these past months and I can feel this year will be a big one in them helping me accept to parent what’s in front of me and to let go.
28. The desire for my girls to have access to a world that’s better for them starts with me. I need to be actively doing the things I hope they naturally do in years to come. I have to show them and start new patterns so they can continue. Sometimes that’s really scary being a chain breaker but that’s what they need and that’s my role.
29. “Being confident doesn’t equal perfection” This is a big one. I think it triggers my mum a lot. Haha. I can often come across as quite confident especially when I feel like I am growing. Rather than it coming from a place of ‘knowing it all’ or ‘feeling perfect’. It comes from a place of pure joy to see where I want to be heading and know I’m actually walking the path. That confidence comes from a place of knowing that even though I still had loadddddds of flaws and I still have so many areas that need more growing, learning and refining I am here and I’m doing what I can to achieve that. I don’t want to spend my life berating myself for my imperfections or never feeling good enough. I want to spend my life feeling confident and happy that I am trying. That I’m a good person, with a good heart and that is a wonderful place to be.
30. I am a happy person. I am a kind person. I am important. I am a confident person. I am different. I am passionate. I am purposeful. I am intentional. I am in control of my life. I am who I choose to be.
There is truly so much more that I could write but this has been long enough. What I know for sure is that I am so blessed. I am truly living the life I once only dreamed to be living. My husband and my three girls make my heart feel like it’s overflowing.
I look forward to the next decade and all the great lessons there will be to learn.
Cheers to 30 years!
Love Sarah Kay, xx
– Happy –
