10 sweet years ago it was love at first sight. The moment our eyes locked that was it…. except that wasn’t the case. The first time I ‘actually’ met Nathanael I sat next to him at a church event, listened to the conversations he was having with his friend next to him and laughed at his jokes (even though I wasn’t a part of the conversation). The only reason I know this is because I read about it in Nathanael’s journal that he kept. I don’t even remember meeting him or sitting next to him that night.
The next time I ‘met’ him was at another church event. I was sitting on the couch with him and we were talking, and his knee injury came up. He was sharing how he had ruptured his ACL and was going to in a few weeks have a running birthday party because he would finally be able to run again soon. Literally, a party where his guests were going to go for a short run. He invited me to the party and I went home buzzing thinking that it meant something that he invited me. No, later on, I find again in his journal that he was only inviting me to be polite because he felt awkward talking about it and then not giving me an invitation. Haha.
Fast forward a few months of dating here and breaking up there we decided one night after only re-dating for one day that we would get married. Nathanael just looked at me and said “about time, I’ve been waiting for you”. What it came down to was he was my best friend. The one I looked forward to spending my time with. The one that brought me peace when I was around him and the one that I knew I didn’t want to be apart from.
Fast forward now and we are celebrating 10 years of marriage. I’d love to write about how wonderful and effortless the past 10 years have been but that wouldn’t be accurate. Marriage can be incredibly tricky because you are putting two people together with different core values, beliefs, needs, histories, generational influences, trauma, goals and outlooks. Sometimes lots of those things match up well and other times it can be a bit of a mind field to navigate.
I remember the night we got engaged I turned to Nathanael having just turned 19 a couple of weeks earlier and asked him to promise me he would stick with me through my 20’s. I felt such a need to ask that question and it’s something I’ve come back to over the years. Being married so young for me meant that I had to do my growing up with Nathanael in the front row seat. It’s been both an incredible blessing to have his support as that happened and has also brought trials as he has born the brunt of that transition.
I often think about what would happen if I got married at my age now. Being comfortably settled into who I am and what I need. Perhaps it would have been nicer so we didn’t have so many memories of the harder times but I would never change it. I am who I am today not only because of the work I’ve done but because of Nathanael’s influence. I know I am better now from his support than I ever would have become on my own.
The best thing ultimately though that we have done over the past 10 years was to go to marriage counselling. We started a couple of years ago and when we turned up, I was so embarrassed and sad. I loved what our councillor said to us. He told us that 49% of marriages end in divorce. He then said that of the remaining 50% left that only half of them were actually happy in their marriage. They just sorta sat in the marital limbo. Then there were 25% of couples who were truly happy. The ones you see celebrating 50 years together and completely in love. He told us that those couples only got to that place because they did the work that needed to be done. Sometimes a small amount could do that independently but lots of the time it needed a little professional help.
Although I wanted to be one of those couples that figured it out on their own, I wanted more to be happy with Nathanael.
We did counselling for around 4-6 months with an odd session here or there until about 9 months. It was truly the best thing we could have ever done. Having a third person there that understood how both of us worked, knew what both of us wanted to achieve and could link up the missing part in our communication was amazing. After many years all it really came down to was a bit of miscommunication, taking ownership of our emotions, actions and responses and we truly are now the happiest we have ever been.
To think that just a few months of hard work with the assistance of a professional and now we get to enjoy years upon years of true, fulfilling happiness is incredible. Now it was lots of hard work, it took such vulnerability to show up. There were sessions where just sitting there was unbearable. We were truly pushed to our limits. But when you have two people who are committed and do the work together it can bring forth immense results.
Of course, I still wish we could have just ‘figured’ it out on our own but I’m sharing this with you because it’s not something I am embarrassed about anymore. I’m now incredibly proud of us for choosing each other.
Now it would have been so easy to not share this and just go on and on about how blissfully happy I am today. How 10 years in and we are thriving but that wouldn’t be a full and accurate representation. It doesn’t show the whole picture and I wouldn’t ever want you to read this and have it bring negative thoughts about yourself, your life or your relationships.
We are wonderfully happy today BECAUSE of the low times, BECAUSE of the good, the bad, the ugly. Now our days are full of understanding, compassion, fun, mundane, adventure, and sometimes annoyance but with a maturity and awareness of each other to work together as a team.
I mentioned to Nathanael the other day that I am happy and the happiest I’ve ever been. Of course, he just laughed at me but it’s true. I am not only ‘happy’ in our marriage, but also the happiest I’ve ever been in our marriage. I owe that to our determined teamwork, our love for one another and our desire to remain besties for the rest of our lives.
Marriage is sacred, important, eternal and fills my soul. I hope that you can have the courage to do what you need for your marriage. That’s going to look completely different for everyone but it’s in your control. Earlier this year I had 3 close friends whose marriages or long-term relationships have ended. The main reason for these was so that the individuals involved can find the happiness they need.
Whatever your next steps moving forward look like for you, may you find love within and around you from those that care for you and support you. We are all connected and all desire love and it’s available in many forms all around us. I am grateful to wake up to mine every day.
Happy 10 years Mi Amore’. You fill my soul with light, laughter and contentment. I eagerly look forward to many more years with you. I am blessed to be your wife and honoured to share my life with you.
To finish I wanted to steal a little tradition from Nathanael’s family. On their birthdays they share either a memory or something they love about the person. Since it’s our ‘Marriages Birthday’ I would love to share 10 memories or things I love about Nathanael.
- Before we were married and lived in separate homes Nathanael used to drop off some lunch for my work day at 5:30 am on my car windscreen ready for me to leave.
- When we were engaged, I used to travel home from church with Nathanael and would sit at the kitchen bench and watch him cook us a pasta dish (from his days of living in Italy) for dinner while we shared an entire block of chocolate (usually hazelnut)
- I adore Nathanael’s sense of adventure. He is ALWAYS wanting to try new things, new foods, new activities, and places. It’s a driving factor of his personality and it always brings great fun into our lives.
- Continuing on from that I love that I never have to encourage or motivate Nathanael to get out of the house to do things. He is always supportive and ready to go
- Nathanael is an amazing father. I mean..he has three girls; I’ve never heard him complain nor even understand why there would be anything to be disappointed about. He is an amazing source of fun for them. He will ‘royal’ dance with them, flip them over his legs, double bounce on the trampoline and play over and over again with them. Day in, day out. He is an incredibly involved Father and is equal in our parenting.
- Nathanael is incredibly selfless. His life revolves around his family. Everything he does is for the sole purpose of providing, caring for, and attending to his family. It is a great blessing for our family.
- The most romantic thing Nathanael has ever done for me is the following – I entered a competition years ago at my local fruit shop. It was for the chance to win ONE MILLION DOLLARS. I had the receipt for ages but since I never heard about it, I must have thrown it out and moved on. I then got a call that same week and was told I was one of the 5 selected to have a chance at winning. All I needed was…..you guessed it….my receipt. I looked everywhere for it and cried when I realised, I must have thrown it out. I went about the evening until a bit later I realised I didn’t know where Nathanael was. He then walks in holding a yucky, soggy, receipt. He had gone outside to the garbage bins and had dug through our week’s worth of rubbish (with gloves on) until he found it because he knew how upset I was. Turns out I didn’t win the million dollars, nor did I actually need the receipt on the day but I felt truly loved. I knew that man would go to the ends of the earth for me and the end of our bin.
- Something I love about Nathanael is he allows me to be who I am. He allows me to take charge of our family, our routines, our weekday and weekend plans. He allows me to have autonomy over our food, lifestyle and needs. He is always happy to come along with my plans and gives me his complete trust in organising our life. He does this because he recognises it as my strength and recognises how it blesses all our lives. The exception to this is baby names and the only wall we have painted in our house over the 8 years of ownership. Seriously, so picky about bluey/green colours. Haha
- Another favourite memory was the day I woke to find Nathanael hadn’t left for work when he was meant to. He told me to get dressed and he went and got Annabelle ready who was 2yrs old. He got us in the car and started driving. I had no idea what he was doing. It wasn’t a public holiday; we had no plans. After 90minutes we arrive at a zoo, I’ve never heard of. He had won a prize at work which was an annual leave day and had organised a day of fun at the zoo. It was such a special day and an amazing surprise.
- I love that Nathanael is hard-working yet balanced. He is quiet but witty. He is educated yet continues to learn. He is adventurous yet sensible. He is obedient yet independent. That just 2 days ago he eagerly awoke to pinch and punch me for the first of the month and enjoyed every minute of his win. He is truly such an amazing person for me and I know that we work incredibly well together.
My darling husband. I love you. Cheers to TEN years! May our love continue to grow, blossom and shine.
Love Sarah Kay, xx
