It seems like such a dream to be finally announcing that we are having a…..BABY!
I feel truly overwhelmed at the opportunity we had been given and the blessing of being able to add to our family. I know over the past couple of years we have had many people praying and sending in their well wishes that we would be able to have such a blessing.
Our precious addition is due to arrive in May 2022. The girls are so excited to have another sibling and we are excited to grow our family.
While we have been incredibly blessed, it’s been such an emotional few months. A time I would have loved to have shared with you but unfortunately hasn’t been appropriate while I am now employed.
Now that I am in a position to share, I’d love to let you in on the journey to arrive here.
After our loss in December 2020, we started medication straight away and continued our journey to have another baby. It took over 6 months for my body to respond to the medication and after only two months of successful ovulation, we were able to fall pregnant.
During the month we conceived we were stuck in-home quarantine due to being a close contact of Covid-19. It meant I had to get my regular monthly blood test on the front lawn, next to my letterbox with a phlebotomist in full PPE, waving to all our neighbours as they passed by.
Because this was a different company their results were different levels so it was hard to track like I normally do. Having so much more information than most who fall pregnant can be a real blessing but also a bit of a curse.
I had taken some cheapy pregnancy tests earlier in the week but no results. Due to all my experience, I should have started my period on the Tuesday so when Thursday came that was unusual, but again due to the different blood test, it was hard to tell. I generally make a habit of not buying lots of tests so I went that Thursday afternoon to grab some. I decided if it wasn’t there by Sunday I would test (yeah, yeah….no one actually ever waits do they? Haha)
So, there we were. My father-in-law had just had surgery and was staying with us during his recovery. My parents were on their way back to Toowoomba so dropped in for the night to say hello and brought some KFC for us all to enjoy. So obviously that’s the perfect time to slip away and take a test with a house full of people. When it turned positive straight away, I was in shock and so much relief.
The next morning, I went straight to my pathology clinic and got a blood test to confirm. Unfortunately, I had to wait until Monday for my results. When I did get them, it was made clear that the HCG numbers were low for my DPO (days post ovulation). This meant two things. Firstly, we were given an 80% chance of a loss due to the late implantation date, we also were given a 90% chance of loss due to the low HCG number for that time frame.
Now pregnancy after loss is always tricky. I knew it would be. I knew that I would have moments throughout the journey that would be emotional and a struggle. But knowing it took 7-8 months to fall pregnant after our loss the thought of possibly adding another year onto the age gap was devastating. To not only struggle to fall pregnant but possibly have two back-to-back miscarriages was just not something I imagined would be in my story.
I booked an appointment for 8 weeks, that way if baby was measuring small or something was wrong, we would know for sure, unlike last time where we sort of fell through the cracks. When we arrived baby only measure 6+6. Now normally this wouldn’t be a big deal…. dates are always off. People ovulate earlier and later all the time. Not for us, because of my blood tests and tracking I knew how far I should be along. I had already calculated that when I booked at 8 weeks.
Because it’s so common and everything technically looked fine they couldn’t do anything about rebooking a scan for a week or two’s time. I had to wait until 12 weeks which was actually 13 weeks due to being pushed back a week. I walked out so discouraged. I had already waited a month, stressed for a month, checked every time I went to the toilet for blood. Anticipated waking in the middle of the night to a miscarriage. Another 5 weeks was so long.
What I found really challenging about this was I didn’t know who to turn to for advice, evidence or reassurance. Nothing on Google was helpful, the GP couldn’t make any comments, my fertility specialist wasn’t able to assist so I eventually called the Early Miscarriage Clinic at the hospital where I had been the previous year. She even remembered who I was even though we met just twice.
She said to me that it could be one of several things. Firstly it could be the ultrasound equipment and the sonographer. Secondly, it could be a vitamin deficiency. Thirdly it could be a growth spurt issue and that baby was due for a big growth spurt the next day. Fourth it could be a sign of a miscarriage. She said that these were all equal possibilities and all I could do was wait until the next scan to see which way baby decided it needed to head. ☹
During this time, we decided to tell family as we wanted the opportunity to at least share this baby with others while it was still here. It was such a sad time sharing because, after each announcement (especially to the grandparents) I had to follow it up with “don’t get too excited, you may not actually get to see this grandchild. I’m sorry that it seems like I’m offering you something that I may not be able to deliver”. After a few announcements, I just stopped. It was too much, it felt too conflicting.
So, I just disconnected for the next 5 weeks and focused on the areas of my life I could control. There wasn’t anything that I could do so waiting was my only option.
During this time, I wanted to share with you all what was happening. I wish I could have put it out into the world but being a sub-contractor and running my own business I didn’t want to jeopardise my opportunity to have my contract renewed in March. I was nervous if my boss knew and then I miscarried it may affect my opportunities moving forward. Now I actually have an amazing boss and I didn’t think he would have changed any behaviour it’s just not something that you know for sure.
I felt so disappointed that this is something that I’m sure many other women have to go through, to either be silent about miscarriages or silent about their family plans so that work and opportunities aren’t taken away. So, I waited and I stayed quiet.
13 weeks finally rolled around and I was able to head in for our scan. Baby was still measuring 5 days behind but everything seemed to be in good health. At this point, the rate of a loss was only a few percent but to me, after having months of waiting I still felt like I needed to hold my breath.
Waiting the several weeks before I could feel any movements was challenging. I knew that it wasn’t common and the chances were low but many women had gone in for a 12-13 weeks scan and then baby passes away just a day or so later. Why with everything else I had been through in my journey to have kids couldn’t this be a possibility.
So again, I waited. I waited to tell my boss, I waited to tell others and I waited to tell you all. I recognised I was still using language like “if we get to have a baby next year”, I even noticed some family using language like “if you get to have 3 kids”. Or even listening to the girls give their daily prayers where it started with Annabelle blessing the food and then praying that “Mummy’s baby wouldn’t die”. As Claire copies everything Annabelle does, she started including it in her prayers although it would sometimes be cut into “Hope, mummy dies” so, that was always great to hear morning and night. Haha.
But truly, it was heartbreaking to be in my second trimester and not even confident or sure that I would be having a baby.
Fortunately, this time the sonographer said that I had a posterior placenta. For everyone going, what is that? The baby’s placenta had attached to the back meaning that when baby makes movements you can usually feel it earlier and easier as baby is not kicking a cushion-like when the placenta is anterior or attached at the front, which is actually what I had with both of the girls.
This had me hoping that I would feel movement earlier to keep increasing my connecting to this precious life inside of me.
At about 16-17 weeks I thought I was noticing some movements; I was also starting to gain a bit of a bump. I remember saying to Nathanael at 17 weeks, “look points to bump, I think there is a baby in there”.
Obviously, Nathanael was confused because, duh, there is a baby in there but to me, it felt like I was taking a test and finding out. I remember feeling like my heart was opening to the possibility that I would get to have a baby, this baby. That a baby would be coming to me, to our family.
It was clear to me that the months of disconnection had really worn on me and my attitude towards their being a growing human inside of me. While I understand it is a completely natural response, it’s a response that is triggered by infertility and the stress of not being able to have a lot of control over building a family.
Another thought struck me over the past few weeks as I was doing school pick up. As I was walking to the collection area, I walked past a mum with a brand-new baby. This baby was super fresh. Seeing such a tiny baby made it feel so real. I have to actually do this, have a child, be sleep deprived, go insane with 3 kids.
Then the thought occurred to me. Am I even ready for this? When you struggle with infertility, I recognised that for me it’s not a case of, okay… I’m ready to start trying, I’m ready to add to my family and have another baby. It’s more of a case of, baby is almost 3 months, let start trying and we will sort that all out if and when we even fall pregnant.
There are so many layers to infertility, pregnancy, miscarriages and building a family. So, like many others, here I sit. With the absolute pure gratitude that I am having a baby (still feels SO unreal to even say that), and that I already have two beautiful girls, I also sit here sad, grieved and devastated at the journey that I’ve been on and the journey still yet to take over the years to come.
What I am focussing on is that my feelings are valid and important. I am allowed to take the time I need to process everything I have been through and that even the great joy does not take away any pain that has occurred.
So here I am, finally in a place to announce to the whole world that as of right now I am expecting a baby. I am pregnant and my body is doing everything it can to grow a human. I continue to pray that I will get to meet and keep this baby in 2022. I’m so happy to be sharing this with you all and look forward to being able to update you more regularly in the future with ‘Watts’ happening.
To add for anyone wondering, when I told my boss he was very excited for me and thrilled that I am able to add to my family. We spoke about my contract and he reassured me that I can work whatever hours work best for me and my family from home and I have a place with him for as long as I like. I knew my boss had a kind and gentle soul but to say I didn’t literally cry on the phone to him with gratitude would be a lie.
I wish I had stronger confidence and total freedom though, regardless of who my boss was to be able to share. I know in future I have that opportunity but I feel for all those staying silent because of their situation. My inbox is always open and confidential to you.
When I look at all the good things, I have in my life they have all come with such sacrifice and this baby of mine is no different. We love you baby and we look forward eagerly to having you in our arms soon.
Love to you all,
Love always,
Sarah Kay, xx
