This time last year we were taking our little Annabelle to start kindy at C&K. We were so excited for her to go, learn and grow. She would make new friends, learn great routines and play and would be able to stretch that clever mind of hers.
As she started, we didn’t have a decision made about sending Annabelle to school or not in 2021. We decided that we would see how the year went and make a decision after some time. (We would wait and see how the rest of 2020 panned out, good one hey?!) We had an appointment booked towards the middle of the year with a paediatric psychiatrist to have her assessed as at this point, we were strongly convinced she required extra assistance in her development. After a couple of weeks into Kindy, we received the opportunity to get a cancellation appointment the following week cutting our waiting time by months. The lead Kindy teacher recommended we do this and start the process quickly.
Sure enough, all it took was a couple of $400+ appointments and she was provisionally diagnosed (due to age). Now, if you’re new here you might be wondering how we came to know we needed to get her assessed. About 18mths ago I wrote a blog post here about our struggles with Annabelle. We were becoming increasingly aware that something was going on. It was confirmed that Annabelle is neurodiverse.
While we were so relieved to know that what we were thinking and feeling was right and that we would be able to assist her from an early age, the news was also devastating. A life long diagnosis that would require many years of additional work, effort and appointments to simply function well in this world.
We received this diagnosis around the time that Covid-19 hit. So, although schools and kindy were learning from home Annabelle was able to continue learning on site. Having this confirmed knowledge really set me back in my decision on sending her to school. Already being born towards the end of the school year in April I wasn’t sure that the combination of neurodiversity and being on the younger end of the scale would be beneficial for her.
We waited to see how she grew through Kindy and it was wonderful to see her learning and growing so much. Annabelle responded extremely well to her teachers and her learning environment. As the end of the year approached, I did the rounds of assessments with her psychiatrist, psychologist, kindy teachers and experience from other mothers. Everyone was split down the middle. Some recommended that she attend and some recommended that she repeat.
This was a really stressful time for myself, I felt as though I was making such a huge decision and one, I felt very alone in. Talking to others it became very clear that I couldn’t make a decision based on the masses as she didn’t fit the mould. Sure, most mums were saying to repeat her again and give her more time to mature and prepare. However, after all the consideration, tears and stressful thinking I knew that this wouldn’t work for her.
Our psychiatrist said to us in our final meeting of the year that we needed to choose our hard. If we sent her, we would need to work with her exhaustion, social and emotional skills and to be very prepared for large amounts of meltdowns and struggles in our home life. If we didn’t send her, we would need to be prepared for her to be delayed in her writing and fine motor skills, behavioural relapses and social skills. We would need to work then to undo a lot of the poor behavioural habits and find alternative ways to stimulate her highly intelligent mind.
I don’t think I can fully express the deep concern I felt in making this decision. Having been home with her for nearly 5 years and devoting my life to her I didn’t want to fail her in this decision. To be given the choice of which hard we wanted was crushing. It has been times like these that have left me feeling alone and sad. Having to think about life this way because my beautiful child worked differently was disheartening.
However, because her mind is built and performs differently, I want to embrace the intelligence that she possesses and the learning that she does crave. I have always desired to show her that her brain is special and she will be able to do things brilliantly.
So, a couple of weeks before she finished kindy for the year the final decision was made to send her to school. We were all going to step up and do whatever it takes to help her thrive. That is my keyword with Annabelle.
My focus with her is to cultivate experiences, situations, friendships, opportunities for her to “THRIVE”. I do this in the hope that she will pocket lots of moments of belief in herself and her differences. That she will grow up knowing the benefits of being born like this and harness her ability to embrace what she can do with her differences.
I’ve only had about 10 weeks to process the final decision. For a lot of last year, I was swaying to keeping her home another year so I have found the transition bittersweet over these past couple of months. I am so excited for her because I know she has a great ability for learning and growth and I’m eager to see her improve and learn new skills that I think will unlock more of her personality and ability.
But I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am SO nervous and scared. While her brain makes her beautiful and special it also comes with its challenges. Ones that can be so heartbreaking and debilitating.
A very clear example of this has been the last 7 weeks of school holidays. I haven’t been this broken since I wrote that blog post 18mths ago. I don’t think it started well with day 1 of holidays being my miscarriage surgery but it has been a challenging time. A few weeks in I was talking to a friend and describing some of the behaviour and issues and she asked when it started and if there had been any changes in her routine. I realised that it had all started going downhill when Kindy stopped.
We had always had a hard time over the 2 week holidays during the year feeling as though she was slipping backwards but that’s always been a short enough time we could all recover quickly. But 7 weeks, that’s a different kettle of fish.
It has been devastating to watch her turn into her worst self over these past couple of months. To see her deteriorate each day and week that passes has been so sad. Trying to do everything I can to hold all the pieces together while trying to even hold myself together has been more than hard. I’ve missed my little girl and I’ve been so angry to be doing it so alone.
Never did I think when I started having children that I would potentially end up with my first having special needs. Yes, she looks like every other child out there but she isn’t. It’s incredibly exhausting having so much required of you.
Just last night I turned to Nathanael at 8:30pm while still battling to get her down even after her medication that is meant to help her sleep and I said to him that it is SO HARD trying to care for a child with special needs in a world that expects me to mother and survive like everyone else when my goal posts are different.
There are no respite services for us, I’m not able to send her overnight to anyone (been there tried that and it was a disaster), no affordable programs to send her to just a huge responsibility on myself and Nathanael to make do and last week I hit my absolute limit. Drowning in a pile of tears which normally is actually not very common for me these days I begged for relief.
So yes, as I write this after Annabelle fell asleep close to 9pm, then came into our bed at 10:30pm and now having been awake since 3:30am with both girls. I am so excited for her to head to school. I am in desperate need of a break. I am in desperate need of relief. I am in need of time with my other daughter Claire. I am in need of a life for me.
But I am also sad. I can barely hold back to tears in the thought of sending her off. I know lots of parents go through this on the first day of school but I am feeling it more so. Annabelle has required a large amount of my life and devotion. Even this year I am aware that there will be things I will need to continue to put on hold because she will require me to help assist her through her challenges this year.
I only want what is best for her. I hope and pray that she will find friends. That she will be able to be a good friend. I pray that she will stay away from being bullied and not be a bully. I want her to have a great experience with school. I hope that over the years she will have teachers that appreciate her and encourage her growth despite the challenges she may come with. But mostly, I hope that she will remain close to me as she starts her life.
To me, this is the start of the end. The start of her growing and one day leaving. Right now, as I type this she is playing with my hair and wrapping her arms around my neck. While it’s a constant reminder of her physical touch which in 12 hours I will be well and truly over its moments like this that I want to savour. To remember forever and to appreciate one of the most beautiful opportunities I have had in this life to be her mother.
I wouldn’t trade her for anything and while I feel depleted and exhausted to my core I also feel immensely blessed.
This has always been my favourite starting school poem by Wendy Silva
I wonder what you’re doing right now and if everyone is treating you kind.
I hope there is a special person, a nice friend that you can find.
I wonder if the teacher knows just how special you are to me.
And if the brightness of your heart is something she can see.
I wonder if you are thinking about me and if you need a hug.
I already miss the sound of your voice and how you give my leg a tug.
I wonder if you could possibly understand how hard it is for me to let you grow.
On this day know that my heart breaks, for this is the first step in letting my baby go.
Cheers to a long 5 years.
Cheers to a difficult decision made with the most amount of love.
Cheers to surviving the last 7 weeks.
Annabelle, may your journey through school be empowering, fun and full of growth. May you enjoy embracing your nerdy side and learn all that you desire. May you find good friends that value you the way I do and may you be an example of what is good and right. I have always loved you and I will be there cheering you on throughout this journey.
Love mum!
To all those sending your littles ones to school or reminiscing of those days, I see you and I’m here with you. I’ll be having a good cry when I come home tomorrow and during nap time will appreciate every moment of silence I get…..(might even get to watch something non-kid related)
Here’s to a new adventure!
Love Sarah Kay, xx
I wish you all the very best in this journey. xo
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