It’s definitely no secret that 2020 has been a big year for lots of people. For some people it has been full of devastation, for some it’s been a year of awakening. There are also some lucky ones that have really gained from 2020. I know for myself I have heard on repeat how much people want to say good bye to 2020. How ready they are to wish the year away and start a new one. While I understand why it’s not something that has sat right with me.
Although this year has seen me get diagnosed with an eating disorder, battle infertility, painful genetic condition in my back, extreme weight gain, crushing anxiety, family fall outs and losing our baby, I don’t have any desire to wish this year away. This has been a year of my life, a whole year that I have been alive. A whole year of breaths and memories. I think if I look back on my life I and wrote off every year that wasn’t ‘great’ there would be very few years left. In fact you can check out my blog from this time last year here.
I do understand that the intention from a lot of people is to really start a fresh, move on from some of the pain from this year and try to move forward but that creates two problems.
- There is an incredible pressure on 2021 to be this amazing, healing and all-round better year. What if its not? What if a few weeks in we get bushfires, floods and Covid-19 again? What’s the game plan?
- Secondly, I think it clouds our ability to find joy in the moment. We are always waiting for the right time, the perfect moment. We let external events determine our internal success.
And hey! I used to be one of those people. 5 years ago shortly before I finished work to have our first child my Team Leader, Kim would have catch ups with each individual team member. A constant theme in our meetings would be reminding me to stop and smell the roses. To stop and enjoy what I had right now in that moment, rather than chasing the next thing. Although I still suffer a little bit from wanting the next thing, the right time or moment, I wish I could tell him how much those words meant and how much I have adopted them into my life over the past 5 years.
I’ve also always been the type of person to set ‘New Years Resolutions’ and lots of them. I have always started every year with the dream list of all the things in my life I want to have fixed by the end of the year. Basically, I have wanted to achieve perfect human status by the end of the year and somehow be the first person in the world and under 30 to do so. This very obviously has left me falling short year after year and has found me berating myself as the year goes on for being so darn imperfect.
NOT THIS YEAR! I am so excited and pleased at the amount of learning and growth that has happened. This year I INVESTED in 4 different therapist treating different areas of my-self, 1 dietician, 2 physiotherapists and 2 Therapist for my daughter which are actually for me to learn how to work with her condition better. (This is exclusive of the fertility specialists etc)
At times I have felt completely overwhelmed and exhausted at how many different areas of my life I am trying to work on but I also have been trying to do what I can to heal some of my issues and work on getting the life I want now. It’s meant taking responsibility for my part and taking ownership of my life.
At times this has left me absolutely sobbing. It has left me feeling as though my imperfections are crushing me and devalue me completely. It has meant loads of sleep loss due to anxiety and stress. It has left me angry and frustrated. It’s also left me open for critique from others who seem to feel the need to add to my already growing list of faults. It has left me avoiding showers and mirrors so as to not feel the touch of my own skin because of the hatred that has run through my body. It has meant hurting people very close to me that I love deeply. It has meant lots and lots of dark times.
(Mum always says that I’m too happy and positive on my blog and don’t share the real hard time that happen) so before I continue with my thoughts for next year, I want you all to know that this year has completely and utterly broken me to my core. I have spent many a day being completely miserable. I have also spent many a day healing and growing and that’s what gives me hope for a year of less miserable days next year.
So, no ‘New Years Resolutions’ for me this year but intentions.
Intentions of things I choose to leave behind and choose to do moving forward.
Leaving behind
- The idea that my value and worth is tied to the size of my body
- Wanting to have a certain ‘relationship’ with people because they are ‘family’
- Taking full responsibility for situations with others that hasn’t gone well
- The need to always be the last to text/respond or it doesn’t make me a good friend
- That my marriage or family’s business is anyone else’s business
- Allowing my anxiety to determine what is right/wrong and how I should act depending on that
- The thought that taking time for myself is a sign of weakness and one that I haven’t earnt
- The experiences that caused pain. While the pain of those times may continue with me, I choose to leave the actual event behind and no longer bring up or remember those moments of hurt from myself or others. Let it lie in the previous years and allow everyone the opportunity to start a fresh including myself.
What a wonderful list of things to be leaving behind. They will be there as a reminder if I forget or find myself revisiting these thoughts.
I am SO EXCITED for my intentions moving forward. I feel so incredibly blessed to not be starting my year with some version of I will lose weight and stay that same weight. Whether I worded it as, losing weight, eating healthy, going to the gym x amounts a week, staying below a certain weight, 30/60days sugar free etc etc. *Rolls eyes*
This is the type of growth I’m thankful for. I can’t tell you what my weight will be like in 2021 and I truly am trying very hard to not care. What I can about, is my intention with my health. So, this year my usual “lose weight” rubbish goal will be like all categories an “I choose” goal,
- I choose to listen to my body and honour it with movement that feels good and brings me good energy.
To break this down this might look like going for an afternoon walk because its feel relaxing and manageable. It might on days look like going to the gym and doing a session. It might look like resting and taking time off if my back is playing up without any expectations on when I need to return to exercise. It might look like going for a swim, stretching, a basic and light training session or a little more sleep. These are all ways to move my body and I will listen and choose to what I feel like rather than what I ‘should’ be doing to meet someone else’s expectation on my movement.
Another great example of my constant failings due to my extreme expectations on myself is that I will read my scriptures every day and pray every day. As any person would know life gets busy and these things especially with kids is hard. So, if I ever fail for just one day than I have failed the whole year and feel as though I will never get there. Wow, talk about setting myself up for burnout and disappointment….instead this year it will look like this
- I choose each day to do one thing that brings me closer to my Heavenly family.
This could be my Heavenly Mother, Heavenly Father or Jesus. This is also open to me to choose how, when, what type or form and it’s only a baseline intention. I hope that I will do multiple things each day but my intention and expectation will be to only do one. If on some days I don’t, than there is no failing. I simply look at my intention again and remind myself or what I am trying to work towards and my WHY being because all of these intentions will bring me happiness because I know they are what my soul wants.
Yours may look completely different to mine and that’s great. Each of our souls and needs are different. I urge you to take some time to think about the areas of your life you normally set ‘resolutions’ or ‘goals’ and reframe them.
Some of the areas I will be setting intentions will be, movement, spiritual, finances, nutrition, hygiene, selfcare, marriage, intimacy, sleep and more.
I actually plan on having quite a few but only in the knowledge that they will be a guide and a reminder for me on the intentions I have for 2021.
I can’t wait to continue to put into action the things I have learnt this year and the growth I have worked so hard for. So tonight after I finish my intentions I want to be cuddled up with my fav people and soak up the peace I get with them.
I wanted to finish by encouraging those of you that have areas you would like to work on to get out there and seek help. There are wonderful people in this world that have trained and worked hard to be able to assist your in your needs. Invest in the type of life you want. Don’t let the fear of hard times and pain hold you back. Take those big necessary steps you know need to happen to bring your soul happiness. You’re not doing anyone, especially yourself any favours by living a life that doesn’t bring you true happiness.
I’ve chosen a theme song for my year. A song to play and remind myself of the intentions I have set. These are some lyrics from the song “Happy” by Leona Lewis.
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i’m just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh
You’ve got this, I’ve got this.
Happy New Year everyone! See you all in the new year for more honest life updates. Thank you for being on the journey with me.
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Until then my friends,
Love, Sarah Kay, xx
“One woman’s journey”
