Final moment of saying “Goodbye”

Sadness flies away on the wings of time – Jean De La Fontaine

It’s been a week now since I went in for surgery and had my final moments to say goodbye…for now. I arrived at the waiting room 6:30am and checked in. I had Nathanael with me for a short time and his light-hearted nature was well-timed. Moments of laughter and appreciation that I am doing life with him in all the moments, the good and the sad. But it was time for him to leave and time for me to just be with my baby.

As I sat there, I pulled out my phone and I wrote, I needed the feelings to come out and I needed to remember this moment. This is what I jotted down while in the waiting room.

7 weeks ago I knew you existed
A short time to know you, love you and carry you
But long enough to never leave me the same
I had a vision of our future, of you joining our family
A lifetime of memories waiting to be had

But now I sit here waiting for them to take you away
I’m not ready to let you go, to have you leave
Even though your time has come, right now we are still connected
But once they take you it’s a more final goodbye
And I will need to start missing you more than ever

Just down the corridor is where I should have been to meet you mid next year
To take you home for your sisters to love you
For family and friends to snuggle you
And for me to fiercely love you all of our days together

Sleep deprivation, breastfeeding pain, postpartum recovery plus
chocolates and flowers (and my mother in law’s cookies)
That’s the combo I should be arriving home to

But when I wake up, I will leave without you
My body will ache and my heart will break
I will arrive home to no celebrations, no decorations only commiserations
My arms will be empty, my eyes full of tears
No newborn smell, no fingers to squeeze

This isn’t how it was meant to go
This isn’t how it was meant to be
But I understand this was your part to play
And that you’ll always be connected to our family

I love you my little one, go and do what you need
To bless the lives of others just like you’ve blessed me
You’ll never be forgotten, you’ll always be missed
We look forward to the day we will finally hold you
The day we will finally all be together

Until then I will live my life the way I need to
I will live it with you in my heart
Thank you for your love, your strength
your courage and your bravery
May the grief and pain fade as time goes on
As our lives have more purpose because of you

Goodbye, for now, my sweet little one
Mummy will love you forever and on.

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After heading through and answering questions they asked me to get dressed and prepped for surgery. There was a change in schedule and I had nurses entering the change rooms helping me finish getting prepared as I was now the next person to go in even though I wasn’t scheduled for another hour or two. They raced me down the hall and got me onto the bed and the tears starting falling. A routine question they have to ask is “What surgery are you here for today” over and over again I had to tell them D&C but what came to my mind each time was ‘saying goodbye’.

As I headed to the prep room I was left alone for a moment. My heart started racing and the anxiety rose as I lay there praying that everything would go well. I started doing some breathing exercises I had learnt earlier this year in a trauma therapy workshop. The exercise worked so well I was calm. I lay there with my hand over my baby and said “Goodbye”.

As a mother your greatest desire is to have your children close and to keep them safe so it was so heartbreaking to know at that moment, I needed to let my baby go and be strong and faithful until I get to see them again. I was told I would be given something to relax and then I was being woken up and sent home.

The next couple of days were different than expected. I could sense my hormones were dropping and my body was filling with sadness. Sadness that I had no control over and felt like it was just rising and I was going to drown in it. Thankfully those feeling subsided as my body continued to recover.

A week on and my body is still slowly getting there. I’m still recovering and still trying to work through this time. Over the weekend we headed to a family Christmas party. As we drove out there, tears filled my eyes and spilt onto my cheeks. This is when we were going to announce our pregnancy, this is where we would share our joyful news and bask in the excitement of a happy and expanding 2021.

Instead, I sat there, bleeding and cramping and feeling every twinge of sadness that ran through my body. On the one hand, having a wonderful time being present and being happy in the moment and also feeling deep sadness and grief over my loss. A loss that to me is so precious and special.

I still see and feel the blessings around me and even though I won’t be sharing the news of our Christmas wish coming true at the end of this week I will work to stay present and enjoy the wishes that have already come true and are here with me now. My beautiful girls and husband

I know that in time I will heal physically and I know that the pain will continue to ease. I know there will be times ahead of great sadness and pain and times of peace and comfort.

For now, I will let my heartache, I will ride the waves of grief and sadness as long as I need. Even if the messages and words of comfort stop from others, I will honour my emotions and my pain for whatever lies ahead.

I miss you little one. I wish you were still here with me. I wish I was counting down the weeks and the months until I am with you but I’ll just need to stretch that countdown out a little longer, but for you, I would do whatever I need to until we can be together again.

Love, Sarah Kay, xx