Goodbye to my hopes and dreams

Well you guys, I did it. I finally got into my closet and took a good look at what I owned and made some tough decisions. I say finally, more so because Nathanael is currently working from home in a ‘makeshift’ office in our bedroom so the girls don’t distract him ‘as’ much. Eek!

So, while Nathanael was out doing his marathon training, the girls and I put some music on, starting with barbie obviously and went through every item. I only did a pretty big purge on my wardrobe about 12mths ago and got rid of over 60 items but this time was different. I wasn’t getting rid of clothes that I no longer liked or were old and ruined, this purge was different and emotionally I felt it.

Being someone who consistently has changed weight over the many years and been pregnant twice, I have a large wardrobe that consists of sizes from 8-18. Every year I can filter through sizes multiple times and when adding pregnancy in there I’ve always wanted to keep these clothes knowing or more so hoping at some point I would, ‘re’ fit them again.

I think there are a lot of us that have ‘goal’ clothes in our closet, some which might still have the tag of them. Clothes that seem to shine and sparkle and say “Once you fit me, you will be happy and you would have made it. This is where worthiness and happiness lie”. You know the ones I’m talking about, right?

For me, they had a slightly different message. For me, those clothes sounded more like “You’ve fit me before, you felt good in me, life was better when you fit me, why aren’t you trying hard enough to fit me, you had more friends and were loved more when you wore me”. Anddddd to a degree they were right. I had many happy times in those clothes. As I took each item out and thought about it so many memories flooded my mind. (All photos in this blog include me wearing a shirt I got rid of)

Like the time I wore my black and white spotted top when I held my first niece. Every time I look at that top it’s the “I became an Aunty” top! Or perhaps the top I wore when I held my first nephew or went on my 5th Wedding Anniversary date. The top I wore to Christmas and felt amazing with how I looked or even the top I wore on Christmas morning with my beautiful family just a couple of years ago. There are clothes filled with memories of finding out I was pregnant, clothes worn to weddings and cousins’ formals, clothes from holidays, snuggles with Annabelle/Claire and family adventures.

I even remember one pair of jeans. I bought them off a girl named Kim in my high school in year 10/11 Drama class. She gave them to me in pink Supre’ bag and I paid her $10. Now EVERY time I wore these jeans, I got compliments. They were the most amazing pair of jeans I had ever had in my life. Something about them just worked. They were actually long enough for my legs and were slight skinny jeans which worked well with my slender legs.

I was in jean heaven…..except for the fact that they JUST fit. Kimmy was a smaller size and body shape than myself so I could only ever squeeze into them when I was in ‘prime’ condition. I remember wearing them still at 18 and only jussssssssst getting into them, but it was worth the comments. Sadly, the day came where I couldn’t fit them and even when I was on diet pills, blacking out, struggling with insomnia and weighed just 65kg at nearly 6ft tall, I couldn’t fit them fully. They have sat in my drawer for year after year and now after two children were the jeans that made me worthy and symbolised perfection.

I remember wearing all these clothes, I remember the activities and moments. I remember how I felt in these clothes and I remember looking at them every single time I opened my draw or cupboard to find something to wear and feeling like I was only a version of the person I used to be. That my value and worthiness will never be the same because I’m not currently ‘that’ person that can wear those clothes.

Almost every year of my marriage I have fit these clothes and then not. Wondering when I will ever get my life together enough to enjoy the full happiness that can come when I finally wear all these clothes again. I would always say to Nathanael. I have a whole wardrobe of clothes that I love. I have lots of things to wear, I just don’t fit them. A year ago, I was wearing size 8 just weeks after having a baby.

But as I pulled out each item and shed some tears, I told my inner critic loud and clear that these clothes do not define me and my worth. That I am just as capable of being loved and appreciated in a body that doesn’t fit these clothes. That it doesn’t matter what size I replace them with, it matters to me that I have a cupboard full of options that don’t come with an UNTRUE and OUTDATED thought process of worthiness = the clothes I can fit.

So, as I tossed them into a pile one after the other, I tossed away the dreams and hopes I have had for years now that no longer serve me, no longer inspire me and no longer trap me into a culture of thinness = worthiness. I cleared out my drawers and hangers and made room for new dreams and goals. New ideas and thought processes. The thought process of I am and can be loved and cared for regardless of what size or what clothes lie in my drawers. I can be loved and cared for. <<<< Fullstop

As I was laying them out to take photos (and actually sell within 1hr on Facebook marketplace for $30) I counted over 150 items.

That’s ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY items staring at me every day telling me I’m not good enough. They say for every negative comment you need 5 to counterbalance it so I would need over 750 positive comments/affirmations around my room just to combat those original thoughts. Now I’m all for my husband complimenting me and a good affirmation quote card but 750…. That’s too unrealistic. Now though, I have removed those 150+ items, comments, thought processes out of my space and it feels good.

But it also honestly is hard. It’s incredibly challenging when the world we live in still believes and promotes those old and outdated thought processes.

If you’re not sure you fit into that, I have some questions for you to ponder.
– Do you ever feel sad/disappointed/unworthy when you go to choose something to wear in a week/month?
– Do you have sadness/disappointment and anger when an event is coming up and you can’t fit into something ‘nice’?
– Do you ever feel bad like you need to ‘earn’ a treat, or use the words ‘guilty pleasure’ ‘I’ll just be a bit naughty’ or ‘I’ll start Monday’, maybe even think you have to ‘burn off’ a weekend of eating?
– Do you body check throughout the day, eg. look at yourself and hold your skin/fat in your hands, suck in when you’re checking your body out, pull your shirt or pants away from your body or comment out loud or privately a negative thought about your body.
– Do you only compliment someone that they look nice when they are thin or have lost weight?

These are all results of a 40 BILLION DOLLAR industry designed to make you feel bad about yourself. It is diet culture and it is hard to break away from it. Because even if I personally have made the choice to leave diet culture, that doesn’t mean that everyone around me is making the same choice. It doesn’t mean that they don’t even subconsciously hold ideas, beliefs and values that then impose on my value.

When I visited with some family recently, they remarked on how their body looked negatively. They commented on their ‘tyre’ around their midsection and how much they didn’t like it. While I empathise with the feelings of unworthiness that had clearly triggered this person, being nearly the same size, I wondered…if they are thinking this about their body and how that makes them ‘look’ ugly, disappointing etc then why would that not be the same with my body.

It’s not possible to say “my body is disgusting but yours which looks very similar is beautiful and you are worthy and loved even though I’m not”. It just doesn’t work like that. So, getting rid of my clothes wasn’t just about freeing myself, it was also about being brave and standing up for something I’m against.

As I was clearing the clothes, Annabelle asked me why I was getting rid of them. I commented that I simply have too many clothes and needed to make some room. She asked if her job could be to throw the clothes onto the big pile that was being created. While it was a fun idea to get her involved and enjoy some time together as I passed the clothes to her it was also a reminder of how much I don’t want to pass these habits, ideas and incorrect belief systems down to her or Claire. While I have heard so many women say this, at that moment I wanted to recommit to myself that I would make that a reality in our home.

It’s not easy to change thought processes and belief systems that have been ingrained into you since you were young. To have media, friends, family, clothing stores, communication, advertising, job opportunities all scream at you that your worthiness and value depends on your thinness, I urge you to take a stand when you can and together, we can work together to change those thoughts and beliefs.
So, goodbye clothes, goodbye unhealthy restrictions/rules, goodbye dreams, hopes and beliefs. Goodbye, unwanted and outdated thoughts.

I’m off to fill my closet with clothes that fit my genetically built body type, clothes that fit someone who has hypothyroidism and PCOS (Both of which contribute to unnecessary weight gain), clothes that cover my body and allow me to enjoy fun activities with my loved ones……and I’m off to fill my soul with positive and uplifting thoughts, statements and love.

If we have all learnt anything this year it is that life can change in an instance. That we need to enjoy the blessings that we have now. I encourage you to clear out your closet. Get rid of those shiny lies and false promises. Get rid of those bombarding messages surrounding you.

You don’t need those clothes to be happy.
You are valued and worthy right now.
You deserve happiness today!

As always,
Love, Sarah Kay, xx

P.s. Let me know how you go with your wardrobe clear out. Send me a photo/comment to sarahkaysway@gmail.com