Bonding with Claire

Wow! It was so awesome to be able to share my birth story with you all. I’ve had such wonderful feedback, so thank you. Such a special and personal experience for myself and my family. Many people wonder why I would share something so personal, but for me it’s about wanting to connect with others. I want to create a space where people can learn about me and my life, but also yourself, your life and the greater world. My passion is about growth and I believe that comes from being honest and vulnerable. Plus, how could we possibly become closer if you didn’t know all the ‘enlightening’ details of me birthing a human? Haha.

So taking you back to that moment, you know….the one everyone waits for. Your child is born after so much time and preparation, so much sacrifice and growth. You wait for them to place your little one on your chest and you can look lovingly into their eyes and find a whole new love you never knew you had. Magical, right? Sure. If you happen to be lucky enough to experience that.

Over my very short few years of being a parent and not many years more of being an ‘adult’, I have been made aware that life truly isn’t rainbows and sunshine for everyone. I have always been so aware that others have it so hard. I am coming to appreciate now though how much that must hurt and that there are more than just deaths, illnesses, financial difficulties and bullying trials to name a few that my former ‘basic teenage awareness brain’ would have been able to recognise. I am understanding more the ‘smaller’ moments that impact our soul so deeply. I had just such an experience recently after Claire’s birth.

Of course, like anyone else I wanted that magical and special moment after birth, however it didn’t come. Having experienced such excruciating back pain and exhaustion from labour, my body was ready to just collapse on the bed and rest. The way Claire was born meant she needed to be passed underneath my body to me and at the same time I needed to turn onto my back, all while still attached, quite the circus performance. I really wanted to just flop on the bed like you do late at night after a long day. This obviously couldn’t happen as she was underneath me temporarily. Once I turned she was placed on my stomach to have her cord cut. Even laying on my back post birth caused immense pain. My back was so tender still. After her cord was cut it was time for skin to skin. Now I have read and understand the importance of skin to skin, again, of course I wanted the best for my child but I just couldn’t give it to her. The midwives were trying to take everything off my top half to ensure full skin to skin. I was happy with what I was wearing and was struggling just to hold her as it was. I tried speaking up but the focus wasn’t on me. It was on ensuring Claire got ‘proper’ skin to skin.

I absolutely want the best for my children, I would take a bullet for them without a thought. It broke my heart to not feel I was in a position to give Claire what she needed at the time. I basically cried feeling forced to be in this position. I was moving from side to side as my back was throbbing. I was still shaking from the shock. I had torn, I was bleeding, I was waiting for the third stage of labour to happen AND was ‘strongly’ encouraged to begin our first breastfeed with Claire. All I could remember was being told “You’re so argumentative Sarah” when I tried to speak up. Eventually I turned to Nathanael and said “Can you take her please, I need help”. I have a beautiful photo of Nathanael having skin to skin time with Claire and the look on his face is the one I described above….you know…the magical one. I kept thinking “He’s got a chest, if she needs skin to skin why can’t it be on him?”. The rest of the few hours we spent in hospital were about trying to feed Claire which was so hard as I just couldn’t be on my back still, and the after birth pains I had were so intense my stomach was seizing and I needed Claire to be taken. Several times we went through this process all while I was trying to speak up that I couldn’t handle it.

Again, I turned to Nathanael and he knew. He didn’t judge, he didn’t care what the medical team wanted. He looked back at me and knew, he had to step in and protect his wife. Being a dad for a second time there was a new confidence that was perfect for the situation. He knew Claire was going to be okay if I rested. She hadn’t cried after the first couple of minutes. She was healthy and happy, I was only a metre or two away if really need be. What I needed was just 5 minutes. What Claire needed was someone who could give her their full attention, who could smile love down at her and bask in the awesomeness that she was earthside. There were multiple people that could do this for her. I would do it for her at some point but not right now. Right now I needed to be ‘selfish’ I needed to look after me. I crawled into bed and lay on my side. Finally after waiting so long I could just collapse on the bed and breathe.

We left a couple of hours later and went home. I was so excited to go home, my favourite place to be. There I knew I could be heard. To be honest it took me days to recover from this experience. When we did come home I was happy for others to be holding Claire. I loved her so much but I was so scarred by my birth and post birth experience that I wasn’t ready. This was evident when within an hour of being home I was making brownies in the kitchen. I wanted to be away from all the love and happiness. I wanted to be somewhere comfortable, and for me that really is doing anything productive. I also wanted brownies. Obviously….I was jealous that everyone else around me got to enjoy the end reward of Claire and I was left with hurt. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

The first few days were hard. Every time I fed Claire my after-birth pains hurt so intensely. Considering they are meant to get worse with each birth and that they were much worse this time, then what am I in for next time? Claire also wasn’t latching properly so I was in more pain because of that. This pain meant the experience of feeding wasn’t pleasant and therefore the bonding didn’t come. The more time that passed the more ashamed I felt. The more regret I had that these precious moments I was meant to be ‘basking’ in weren’t happening and I would never get them back. What was I meant to do? I had to regret and accept all in the same moment. It was hard, but what would have been harder would be not taking a baby home at all. Perhaps still praying that we would fall pregnant again, or even for a first time.

So, while it took time to bond with Claire, time to heal, time to accept the lost opportunities, I feel grateful for all the time I have had and the time I will have with Claire, knowing that so many others won’t have time with children at all. My life will be filled with so many moments of joy with Claire that any pain felt from the loss of that magical moment fades away.
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To all those that never got their magical moment or are still waiting for whatever reason as I am sure there are so many, I am sorry.

To all those that did I am truly so happy for you.

To all those about to have a baby, whatever happens, you are not alone. I hope your special bonding moment comes sooner than later.
 
And to everyone, I hope we are able to have clarity and light in our dark moments. To see and know of the beauty that is there no matter how bleak it seems.

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I can tell you now that when I look down at my precious daughter there is no doubt of my love for her. She is awesome. I feel it in every inch of me and I love it!
 
Love Sarah Kay, xx

I would love to hear how your journey into motherhood went.
Pop it in the comments below.