T I M E – One of the most interesting concepts here on Earth. Time has such incredible power…Power to heal, power to hurt, power to change, power to create, power to comfort. It is what we as humans live by, live off, live for. Thinking of my labour and journey with bringing Claire into this world I felt completely controlled and freed by TIME.
Early Labour
For both of my girls’ births I have been fortunate enough to not feel my Braxton hicks and to have a smooth ‘ending’. With Claire I was still managing to get a good amount of comfortable sleep without the use of any additional pillows or props. Soooo after travelling back from Noosa on Sunday night after the Marathon that weekend and experiencing a slight cramp here or there I wondered if something was up. I put it down to being seated at 40+3 days pregnant in a car for 2.5hrs straight. I woke the next morning sharing with Nathanael that throughout the night I’d experienced a few more ‘period pain’ like cramps which was completely abnormal for me. He had injured his knee from the Marathon and was considering working from home that day. We both thought that would be a good idea considering he has a 1hr commute to work. I got on with unpacking and getting the house clean. I knew I was going to have Claire that week so wanted to get prepped.
Considering Annabelle’s labour started completely different to these cramps and I wasn’t getting contractions I did my best to rest throughout the day as they were likely at some point to turn into labour. When Nathanael was finished for the day, I mentioned that we should head out and do something together. We decided we would pop up the road and watch Aladdin at the movies (Can I just say that Will Smith does a great job as the genie). It was a nice time to spend together and manageable for us all. I called my midwife on the way home asking for her advice and wondering if what I had been experiencing all day was ‘normal’ and if it was okay for it to continue like this. She reassured me it was and that it was all a part of getting ready for birth and that it could be hours away or even days away yet. With no signs on it ‘progressing’ or having any type of ‘pattern’ to the cramps I resigned to fact it could be a while away.
My cramps continued throughout the day, sometimes 30mins apart, sometimes 2hrs. They were painful but only lasted 5mins and I was able to continue on with life. I also was losing my ‘plug’ and experiencing some sporadic back pain which again I was lucky enough to not experience throughout my pregnancy.
(For those wondering what a ‘plug’ is….google with caution….after all…………………. this is a LABOUR blog post)
Active Labour
Heading to bed around 10:30pm I felt a cramp that stopped me from lying down. It was much stronger and I decided that maybe I should start recording the times and durations just in case. 25mins later another one came and again I had to sit up in bed. Lying back down I tried to sleep. 20mins later I had another and this time I had to stand up for it. I started wondering if this was heading into more of an early labour. Before I had too much time to think about it, 6mins later I knew it was an actual contraction. Even though it had been more than 3 years since I gave birth to Annabelle it was just like morning sickness where you just KNOW what it feels like.
From there all my contractions were under 5mins apart and were lasting at least 1min and sometimes 2-3 minutes. I again called my midwife as they advise you to go to hospital when your contractions are less than 5mins apart and have a duration of at least 1 min. We were unsure if it was ‘go’ time or not as they basically started at this level. We called ours mums (Mother in Law to watch Annabelle and Mother to come to the hospital with us) they were both going to take an hour to get to us. By this point it was about 12am and I was really needing to focus on the contractions. They were coming much faster and harder than Annabelle’s did this early on.
I got into the shower to try and work through them. I really enjoyed the shower and being able to lean over and feel the water. I had been told that Baby Claire was posterior in position previously, but that she had ‘turned’. I was not feeling confident that this was the case anymore. My contractions were about 2-3mins apart and lasting for about 2mins. In all the reading and preparing that I had done there were lots of mantras and positive affirmations (even some that I printed) that said “I can do anything for 60 seconds” so when I had hit a peak in my contraction and then proceeded to have 2 or 3 peaks in a single contraction, I was struggling. The pain in my back and spine was so intense that even in my ‘rest’ periods I couldn’t sit or relax as it was so painful. This made me feel like I was getting no break and exhausted me quickly.
The ‘Mums’ arrived and we headed to the hospital at 2am. The car ride sucked. I made jokes and sung “The Ants go Marching” obnoxiously loud…because what else do you do when you are riddled with pain with your mum in the backseat offering you some disgusting cucumber flavoured water she picked up at the servo on the way to my house. Haha.
Arriving at Hospital
I arrived at the birth suite and as I was walking in, I noticed my waters had broken, not sure when that had occurred but thought “great” tick that off the list. I had an examination and my midwife was confident I would be dilated well and close to pushing. I was 5cm. I was devastated. I was in so much pain. I was doing all the ‘tips and tricks’ that I had learnt from my birthing book. It was 2:20am at that point and I wondered how much longer would I need to be strong for. This was a moment where I wish time would go faster. I needed help. I jumped back in the shower and from there it was hard. I felt I had lost my rhythm I had a home. It was confirmed Claire was posterior and I felt as though my back was being crushed. I struggled with the posterior birthing positions and my body went into shock. I was shaking. The same thing happened moments after birthing Annabelle where I went into shock. I had reached a point where the posterior pain was draining all my hard earned energy and nothing I was doing could relieve the pain. While still feeling as though I was getting no break in my 2mins of ‘rest’ time I cried for an epidural.
After having one with Annabelle due to being induced with Meconium (another one to Google), it was hard to experience the pain knowing that I could have it taken away. My midwife advised it was going to take some time to set up and she needed my arm to start preparing. My back was being seized with every contraction I couldn’t stay still for even a moment to consider giving her my hand. I also couldn’t receive another examination to check dilation as the waves of contractions were relentless. Everyone in my birthing team were trying to encourage me to keep going. I knew they were trying to ‘stall’ the epidural as I had stated so clearly I wanted to do this naturally. I still wanted to do this naturally but I knew my body and it’s limits and by this point it was less than an hour since I had arrived at 5cm. I knew I couldn’t do even 1 more hour. I was still shaking from shock. I was okay with getting an epidural, I had done my best, I was protecting myself so I could bring my daughter safely into this world.
Without any real time to consider much else, I felt the urge to push. I freaked. I started yelling at my midwife who was across the room. I had researched posterior labours as I was prepared that I may end up having one and that sometimes you can feel the urge to push but that it’s just the baby’s position and that doing so will be harmful. My midwife searched for a mirror as I panted HARD. I didn’t want to do anything that would risk Claire. The next moment I am being told that the head is there and that I can push.
Erm….Pushing time…
What!! In just under one hour I had dilated the remaining 5cm and was ready to birth my child. Looking back on it now. I can see why I was asking for an epidural, why I was struggling. I would have been 8-10cm during this point without knowing. Without that information (which I knew I wasn’t able to get) it was hard knowing what to do. It’s great that it ended that way but what if I was only 6cm and needed to labour for several more hours? Don’t get me wrong, I am so thrilled to have birthed naturally but not embarrassed that I asked. I was protecting my baby and my body.
14 minutes later and a few pushes and my baby girl was here. As I prepared to push Claire a sudden wave of panic rushed over me. I had an epidural with Annabelle half way through after bring induced and so felt the urge to push but didn’t really feel the pain of pushing. This was different. There was no turning back, no opt outs, no pain relief that was going to make it okay. I was going to have to experience every second of this stage of labour. For some reason I had never thought about this part, and I was scared. I didn’t know how much it was going to hurt. This labour was 1/3 of the time with Annabelle. I wasn’t induced, I didn’t get an epidural, the only similarities were that labour started right as I was heading to bed. (why my kids want me to labour in the AM is beyond me…but don’t worry. I will remind them of it every birthday). Again TIME was kind to me and not long after it started, it was over. She was here.
She was here. I had done it. It was over. I was exhausted.
Post Birth
I was still shaking from shock which continued for an hour or so after birth like Annabelle. Obviously, my body seems to cope better that way. I was traumatised from birth. I was completely taken by surprise at what had happened. The posterior labour was so unimaginably different to Annabelle’s and everything that I had read in preparation. Honestly, I felt cheated of the experience I was hoping for due to the posterior positioning. Unlike after Annabelle where I immediately and excitedly said “Let’s have more”. My initial thoughts this time were how am I ever going to have more? I want more, Nathanael wants more, but how can I ever do more?
Writing this now 3 weeks later I can tell you how…. T I M E. Something that will be featured in my next post about how I needed time to bond with Claire as it wasn’t immediate or ‘natural’.
What I can tell you now is that 3 weeks later I am okay. I mentioned to friends and family after birth that I had suffered trauma and that I was going to need time to work through that. I knew from reading and watching so many other beautiful women who have experienced birth that it is real. Birth trauma is normal and it needs to be confronted and healed. Luckily for me I feel mostly okay but will need to continue my healing so that if I am fortunate enough to be pregnant again I will be ready to birth without fear.
What I’ve learnt…
Our bodies are vessels of love. They can do marvelous things. They can bring life into this world, they can protect us and communicate with us. What I have learnt the most from this wonderful experience is to LISTEN. Listen to my body and really hear what she is saying so that I can help her. I’ve realised that my mind and body really are a team and that it is essential for complete happiness to work together. Even if that means choosing my body over my baby. This is what I did after birth and I am proud of it.
This is just my way, doesn’t make it right or wrong, just makes it mine.
Love Sarah Kay, xx
P.s. If you have any questions, want to chat about my experience or perhaps a birth you have had/ or have coming up…pop it in the comments or shoot me an email. I’d LOVE to hear from you.
