“Marriage is an opportunity for every part of your soul, don’t waste a bit of it”
A couple of weeks ago Nathanael and I celebrated our 7th Wedding Anniversary. Massive I know, really comparable with those Golden Anni’s isn’t it. Haha. Truly though, what an incredible and challenging 7 years its been. I say challenging because it has been just that. In all the good ways, bad ways, sideways and random ways.
We decided to go away and spend some time together just Nathanael, myself annnnnd the two girls. Naturally we booked a place with a swimming pool and a waterslide. All about us, right? The day we had to leave we were walking along the beach together, Claire was in the carrier, Nathanael and I were attempting to hold hands for short intervals while Nathanael was ensuring Annabelle didn’t drown herself in the ocean with her incredible confidence of thinking that she is invincible in EVERY situation. I thought that was more a boy thing? As I was watching the family, I reflected on the past 7 years and the journey it had taken us to get here. Being married at just 19yrs of age definitely had it’s pro and cons. I thought I would share 7 things that I have learned from being a ‘teen’ bride. (That sounds crazy and ridiculous to word it like that)
1. It can be hard to have solid friends –
It was the year 2011, I had just recently moved down to Brisbane. I was playing volleyball and working. This was pretty much my life. I just moved house, found my new ward (church) and started attending. Three weeks later I met Nathanael, a couple of weeks later we were dating and within 4 months we were engaged and married only 5 months after that. The congregation I was attending consisted of 18-30yr old single men and women. Being engaged and preparing to move to a family ward can often distance yourself from those that are not heading in that same direction. This was my experience. So, with only having 3 weeks before I became slightly obsessed with Nathanael it didn’t allow me time to make everlasting, life long friendships that will stand the test of time. My volleyball friends that I played with were also young, single, liked to party and drink. That simply wasn’t my lifestyle and after I stopped playing volleyball, I didn’t have any friends from that part of my life either.
Then we moved to a family ward where most others were married with children. Now they were cool people but they had their tribes of families with similar aged kids. Meaning it has been really challenging to find people who can become my go to friends. Although I have met so many amazing people over the years, made lots of new friends, I have found that Nathanael has had to fill that best friend, and girlfriend role all too often and as much as I love him and he tries, I wouldn’t say his strength lies in chick flicks and ‘girl’ chat, nor should I expect that of him.
2. As you evolve as a person in those critical years, you can do that alongside someone who you value to guide you –
The night Nathanael and I decided to get married, different to the day we got engaged. Different by a whopping 5 days haha. That night, I looked at Nathanael and said “Do you promise to stick with me through my twenties?” He agreed and I’m so glad he did because I have had to remind him of that over the past few years. Something struck me that night to ask him that question. It was definitely inspired because I knew from looking at my teen years that I had a lot of improving to do. That I was going to go back and forth, up and down and probably the whole way around. I was giving myself that time to improve and knew that by the time my 30’s came along I would hopefully have myself together enough for it to be less of a blender experience and more of a wave motion. A new Sarah rolling into shore consistently with a few curly unexpected dumps on the sand.
Now is the part where you wonder how this is a good thing? Something to look forward to? Well, I married Nathanael for more reasons than his looks and killer wit. I married him because I know where he wants to head in life, I know the values he stands by and I know the type of person he wants to become. This is where I want to end up too. By being with someone who’s goals align with yours there is an incredibly good chance that is where you will end up.
Nathanael has been able to inspire me and help guide me in my 20’s, a time where my mind is growing, absorbing, developing and setting routines, boundaries and opinions. I’m proud of where I am today and I look forward with joy to my future knowing that I have him beside me to keep me in check. Don’t worry guys, I’m only just over half way through at 26. I’ve still got a few good years of my 20’s to drive him crazy with!
3. You make a sacrifice on some of the best and youthful years of your life –
You know those stories you hear of people travelling the world solo or with a girlfriend. The stories you hear about crazy roommates and the time they hung you out to dry? The stories of long uni nights with friends? The young, wild and free stories of your 20’s. Well I don’t have those ‘traditional’ stories. Pretty much all my stories include Nathanael. Of course, I haven’t spent every minute with him but he is the main feature in most of my stories.
Whereas, Nathanael can tell you about a year he had in his early twenties where he made a goal to say ‘Yes’ to everything and everyone. If he got an invite and it was appropriate, he went. I didn’t even have a full year out of high school before I was with Nathanael. Nathanael has shared that if he hadn’t met me he was planning on going to Africa with his Sister to do volunteer work. I never had the chance to make my own memories, to discover on my own what I like, what I want to do, travel, serve a mission, etc. Being married young comes with a sacrifice on those precious single years of adventure. Some days I’m so grateful to travel with Nathanael and not have to worry about housemates, other times I crave and miss the freedom I could have had. Life is about compromise and sacrifice and although it would have been nice to have a whole wardrobe to myself, I would never trade it for the snuggle that comes at the end of a day. That’s over 2500 snuggles so far. A sacrifice I’m willing to make.
4. You still have to grow up and improve like everyone else but you have to do it married –
I once heard someone share a piece of advice on marriage and it completely clicked with me. It was along the lines of “Marriage helps you to realise all the things you don’t like about yourself”. Yes, yes, yes! My teenage years were like many others but to me far more dramatic *cue teenage groan of life being so hard*. I dealt with abuse, bullying, worthlessness, death, confusion, perfectionism and complete sadness. I’ll admit I struggled in my teens. There were just too many emotions for myself to cope with. I didn’t have the necessary equipment to deal with what life was throwing at me and the choices I was making. So I finish school, leave some of it behind me and move on, next minute I’m married and fully aware of the fact that I have not had any time to breathe and deal with those habits, feelings, thoughts and emotions I was carrying as baggage. Adding onto that of loving someone else, entering a new in-law family who are completely different to myself and my family and planning a future. Woah! Talk about hard.
It’s always challenging to own up to and confront your demons, I think it’s even harder to do that while having someone depend on you for part of the marriage. I have learnt over these past 7 years so many things I didn’t and don’t like about myself. So many attributes and behaviours I don’t want in a marriage and in a family. It’s an incredibly hard reality to take responsibility for but that’s something I am open and committed to doing. I love improving. It’s one of the very few things we have in this life to be in control of. I have every opportunity to change and evolve. Marriage has only given me the opportunity to accelerate that process.
Nathanael has stood by my side as I have created a new version of myself and in turn, I have inspired him to work on some of his qualities. The reality is we’re all imperfect. We all have faults and character flaws. The sooner we accept that and take ownership to do something about it the happier we can be in our lives. Something I have learnt is being vulnerable and imperfect doesn’t change my worth as a person and it doesn’t change yours!
5. You get a head start on forever –
Time = Simple. Precious. Mine.
Being married young has given me more time to invest. Any great investment will have time on its side. Whether it be the right timing, or a long amount of time to mature. I’m giving myself every opportunity to love my human for as long as I can. Once you know you want to spend forever with another person, you want to start that now. It’s just a nice little blessing that comes with some of the messier stuff.
6. You are responsible for something SO precious, but you’re not alone –
Would you ever give your 5yr old their inheritance from their grandparents to spend however they want while standing in a toy shop? Probably not. Although to them they have won the jackpot, you know better. You are aware of the consequences. Sometimes I think, how could they possible let people so young have such a responsibility in their life.
Marriage and motherhood for me will always be the two of the three most important and valuable things in my entire life. Nothing will top those precious opportunities. To be allowed to have that responsibility so early in life is a tremendous task. Sometimes that task can be overwhelming, sometimes that task can be lonely, burdensome, difficult and scary. Something I’ve come to realise though is that my marriage is not one person, it’s not even two, for me my marriage includes three people. Myself, my husband and my Heavenly Father. I know that He is there and that He is wanting me to have success. He trusts me to handle this special opportunity with care and He will support me as I work to figure out how to best do that. Nathanael is also there cheering our marriage on. He’s put a big bet on it and I know he wants to see it pay off. 😊
7. Happiness NEEDS to come from within –
Lastly, I have come to realise that happiness comes from within. Nathanael is an immense source of my happiness and sometimes those pains in my butt. I spent so many years looking outwards for my happiness and it truly needs to be filled from ourselves. We can’t always control what happens in our lives and in our marriages. For example, I have seen others lose their husbands young and old to cancer or death. I’ve seen marriages end due to abuse, growing apart and other sticky divorce situations. I’ve seen some in unhappy marriages and I’m aware of many who were my age and have long passed my age and are still waiting to be married. It’s heartbreaking to see those that aren’t able to enjoy the blessing of marriage. It’s disappointing and I admire your strength.
Even though I am so grateful for where I am now, I will always be trying to learn how to make myself happy and find joy from my own soul. So that no matter what happens I will be able to find a way to be okay. It’s also helpful for those days when my buttons are being pushed. *deep breaths* Haha.
Well that’s it! Just a ‘couple’ of thoughts. *blink blink*. Are you still with me?
And finally, to my husband, you inspire me to be a better version of myself. I promise to forever work on my flaws and shortcomings. I promise to always fight for our love. I promise to always fearlessly love you.
Love Sarah Kay, xx
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